Five episodes to watch while playing your baby grand piano in the nude.
Welcome back to The Essential…, where I propose five episodes that embody the perfect madness of one special Housewife. Adriana de Moura is arguably the banner Housewife of the late lamented Real Housewives of Miami, a category five tempest of emotion whose belligerent self-confidence left the Miami ‘Wives clinging to the wreckage, trying to stay afloat. Here are five episodes that provided a ple-thora of signature Adriana moments.
S01E03: “Optical Delusion”
“Optical Delusion” gives us our first true glimpse at Adriana’s gorgeous mania as we watch her plan the opening of an art show, leaving a long trail of bodies along the way. It’s still a successful opening if the dealer and the artist get into a heated public screaming match at the event, right?
S02E04: “She Beat Me to the Tweet!”
It’s all about Adriana, and when it isn’t, there’s hell to pay. Adriana invites the girls to another art show (featuring some tasteful topless portraits of the woman herself, natch) and Karent spoils the night by tweeting a picture featuring Adriana’s idol, kinetic art innovator Carlos Cruz-Diez (easily the most highbrow person ever to be embroiled in a Housewives rivalry), before Adriana has the chance. Adriana spends the rest of the episode, and the season, seeking revenge.
S02E08: “Bras and Brawls: Part 2”
In the centrepiece episode of the entire series, Adriana sucker punches Joanna Krupa at a charity lingerie party. What more do you need to know?
S03E10: “Brazilian Bridezilla”
Behold the saga of Adriana’s lavish wedding to a man she’s already married to. The bride requires a mandatory outfit change for all attendees between the reception and the ceremony, forcing guests to huddle in storefronts and car doors changing into extravagant new costumes, and then shows up two hours late to both events anyway. Adriana at her most delightfully egomaniacal and inconsiderate.
S03E15: “Reunion — Part 1”
No audit of Adriana would be complete without a look at her distinctive reunion strategy, whereby she blacks out and wakes up ten hours later with blood on her hands. She probably didn’t need to make Romain teleconference in to harass him about his LIMP! PENIS!, but we’re glad she did.
S01E01: “Paradise Cost”
Adriana reveals the tragic backstory of her first failed marriage, whose details will retroactively changed and qualified about nine different times over the course of the series.
S01E07: “Watch What Happens Live: Miami Housewives Reunion”
Adriana’s Draconian antics claim an entire live reunion as nearly all of her dialogue is censored for foul language and outright slander.
S0301: “Til Lies Do Us Part”
In which it’s revealed that Adriana and the man she’s engaged to have actually been married for six years.
S0302: “Hurricane Adriana”
The explosion of Adriana’s tight friendship with Lea Black, set to the backdrop of a gorgeous And Then There Were None rainstorm.