I know we’re all excited about the Melbourne premiere (coverage forthcoming), but last night Teresa Giudice called Kim D. a cokewhore and threw a chair, and surely that’s worth commemorating too.
I could waste your time with a Staub Report, but the shining star of the supporting cast this week was Kim D., whose gleeful sociopathy embiggens us all. She is so experienced in careless shit-stirring that she pulls advanced moves none of us could dream of. When Dolores and Siggy were trying to brush away the Teresa infidelity accusations to save their own skin, only for Kim D. to cheerfully reveal that the source of the gossip was the woman curling Dolores’s hair as they spoke, I jumped up and clapped. Of course, Lina, a person Kim hired off the street, armed with slander and handed a curling iron, had no actionable dirt — just a vague account of being at Teresa’s house once when a guy was there, or something — but when have facts gotten in the way of a good Housewives feud? Regardless, it’s all just an attempt to bait Teresa into physical violence, thereby violating her probation and getting sent back to prison, leaving her children effectively orphaned. That is hilariously scummy, so hats off to Kim D.
(For the record, since I must weigh in on every case that comes before my chambers, I don’t think Teresa is cheating on Joe, though I’m not mad at any attempt Kim D. makes to ruin her life under false pretences.)
As for the main cast: who was the thrower, and who was the chair?
5. Siggy: Improbably, a supporting player in the drama at the Posche Fashion Show. Even more improbably, managed to patch things up with Teresa without ever really moving much from her original stance. Far more plausibly, seems poised to ruin the cast trip seeking venganza on Margaret for her Hitler comment. There’s the Siggy we know and love.
Also worth mentioning: she seems to be over the cake?! No one ever made reparations for the cake, Siggy. Carry the cake to your grave!
4. Margaret: Very progressive of her to set her mother up on a date, but did it have to be with Aviva’s dad?
3. Melissa: That scene in the closet where Joe insulted her shoes and then one of her tiny sons joined in the razzing and basically stopped an inch short of calling her a bitch just because his dad was doing it is every nightmarish piece of Jersey male socialization in miniature. The Gorgas remain the couple most emblematic of what is hideously wrong with the society these women inhabit (n.b. this used to be the Giudices’ job, but their circumstances have spun off into something far more warped and peculiar to them).
2. Dolores: If we’re ranking these women’s strategic games, Dolores has to be dead last, right? Her loyalty shit makes no sense, she plainly betrays it at every turn, she has a bad knack for being loyal to people like Siggy and Kim D. who are hate figures, and most sinful of all, it’s boring! When Melissa stepped to her at the fashion show to make the perfectly valid point that if she actually supports Teresa, maybe she could just write a cheque and not make herself Kim D.’s public face by walking in the show, and Dolores freaked out and resolved to WALK EVEN MORE!!!, only to be talked down the next day by a single word from the ex-husband she fawns over (Frank: “Maybe you… shouldn’t… have walked?” Dolores: “Wow, I never thought of it that way.”)… yeah. Look “confused” up in the dictionary and you’ll find Dolores.
1. Teresa: Solid all-around performance at the Posche Fashion Show, obviously — composed a poem, chucked a chair, very nearly violated her probation with a goblet of orange juice. She also got a visit from a medium purporting to speak on behalf of her dead mother, which was sad to me. I can never decide on how I feel about mediums as an enterprise, whether they believe what they’re selling, whether the therapeutic aspect of it does more good than harm. In my perfect world, they’re all just Scott Cruzes and Allison DuBoiseseses who are just there as a conduit for whatever is most harmful to the person their friend hates. That’s a more uncomplicated sort of catharsis.
Next week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: in the ultimate act of irony, the Wives visit Milan, the fashion capital of the world.