💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E01

Welcome to a slightly tweaked rehash of Tracey’s and Taylor’s series a new series! Tonight we tackle the Edwardian melodrama that preempted the Melbourne premiere, A Special Gift From Mrs. Wolfe.

Gamble

On Her Own: I LIVED for the fucking, like, stand-up comedy routine she did for Rick about friendship-ending Pokemon and sending fruit baskets to funerals and such, all whilst wearing the “gardening outfit” pictured below:

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And then of course the chipped teeth/soon-to-be purloined dress drama, which we’ve breathlessly covered in the past. I do worry about this apparent eating disorder, though. We love you Gamble! Mangia!

With the Ladies: Where the fuck do I start? Her improbably becoming besties with Janet, Ms. Everyone In Melbourne herself, would have been notable in a normal episode, but was an afterthought amid the absolutely riveting psychodrama of her fallout with Gina. I could really and truly go on for a thousand words about it, but you know what they say about a thousand words, so:

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Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – She gave us like five different spectacular storylines in one episode alone, and the preview for the next episode teases at least two more. I’m telling y’all, I called it: this is the Season of Gamble.

Gina

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On Her Own: “There’s no such thing as grown-ups” was a startlingly self-aware moment for Gina, and in general I did feel for her in her time of mourning. I am and am not surprised that she’s myopic enough to invite a viper like Lydia into her heart, but she’ll come to realize that come season 5 I imagine.

With the Ladies: Gina v. Gamble feels fittingly like Bethenny v. Jill. I adore Gamble, and I do believe that Gina was only ever friends with her on a transactional level, buuut…Gina’s definitely got a decent argument here. As Tracey and Taylor noted to me when they watched, Gamble’s charm often makes you forget that she’s actually insane. That said, I’m gonna need Gina not to make this whole season about who did or did not come to The Funeral please. There are more important things to argue about, like leaving makeup stains all over white bathrooms.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Cute puppy, by the way.

Jackie

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On Her Own: I never watch Housewives spinoffs, but I would watch the shit out of Jackie and Ben Go to L.A. and touch myself throughout. She also hit us with a few bars of official Southern Hemisphere summer song “Shine It Up” so.

With the Ladies: Oh come on girl you and Gina are obliged to give us It Was a Demon 2.0 with her father’s ghost.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ – 💫 Zed Cup Boobies 💫

Janet

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On Her Own: Credit where it’s due: she finally nabbed a boyfriend. I say this not because a woman is only valuable if she has a man, I say this because Janet dating footage is a big yawn (unless Jackie is there loudly gaydaring her suitors). A happy, sexually sated Janet will naturally have more energy saved up to gossip about and smirk at her peers, and that’s the Janet I’m watching for.

With the Ladies: More lowkey than I’d like. Big ups for saving Gamble’s tooth fragments and for declaring funerals a downer waste of time.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – A pretty quiet supporting performance, but it’s Janet; she’s good even at rest.

Lydia

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On Her Own: A fairly pedestrian family scene, albeit one where we learned that her mom is somehow even fucking dumber than she is. Oh and Figaro is still ugly as fuck.

With the Ladies: Worming her way in as Gina’s BFF is breathtakingly brazen and I heartily applaud it. Also deployed one of my fave Melbourne tropes: “Yes, this drama between Gamble and Gina tangentially reminds me of the entirely unrelated drama between me and Jackie care to discuss Jackie?!?!!?!?

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐ – Don’t sleep on Lydia; she is secretly one of the more successfully manipulative people in this cast. (Uh, until it all falls apart on her three episodes from the end.)

Sally

On Her Own: N/A

With the Ladies: N/A

Rating: ⭐ – Plenty of Housewives, even great ones, debut later than the first episode of a season. This does nothing to alleviate my Chyka 2.0 fears, though.

Venus

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On Her Own: Ah, an “I’m So Rich” Housewife. I hope and trust she’ll move on from this phase and go full batshit soon. The fake title is promising, for sure (get it Gamble). And Persians are typically great on these shows.

With the Ladies: So nice that Gina has a new friend to play Court with.

Rating: ⭐ ⭐ – A lackluster start, but there’s promise here. I mean, that face.

5 thoughts on “💫STAR SEARCH💫: The Real Housewives of Melbourne, S04E01

  1. Yasss hunny this was everything I could have wanted in my Melbourne premiere.

    Gina smiting every person who didn’t attend her father’s funeral lol. I know I’m biased because I hate Gina and sure, grieve your dad, but that’s a very Vicki Gunvalson move.

    Gamble gave me everything I expect from her. Witty talking heads. Adorable Woofa scenes. That gardening outfit was on another level. I enjoy the fact that hers and Gina’s fallout truly leads back to that Apprentice viewing party during her wedding. Great continuity.

    1. I never thought the Apprentice party would turn out to be the most consequential development of S3 but here we are.

  2. This is definitely the Season of Gamble but I she kind of gave me anxiety every time she was on screen for some reason. I hope the eating disorder doesn’t end up being a huge storyline.

    That Jackie & Ben scene though. Wow. There are no words. That was The Complete Jackie & Ben Experience in a single piece of footage. If nothing else, they are the most well-matched couple in the history of Real Housewives.

    1. Oh Gamble is suuuch a ball of anxiety right now. I don’t think she necessarily has an eating disorder but she DEFINITELY has an anxiety disorder swirling around her crippling fear of abandonment and need for validation. It’s too bad because she has a great personality and fab family but anxiety isn’t logical o well!

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