This week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, NeNe leaves Porsha’s heart in San Francisco.
In episode five, the women embark on a trip to San Fran courtesy of Shereé, but first they have their old nemesis Kim Zolciak to put to bed in Atlanta. I still haven’t decided how I feel about the return of Kim, who took on an even more prominent role this week in the fallout of her fight with Kenya. She’s starting shit just to start shit here, and it comes off desperate — sort of akin to Jill and Alex in season four of New York, when they were scrapping to hold onto their jobs (not that “Simon cyberbullies Jill” wasn’t scintillating stuff, but you know, everyone involved has better work in their portfolios). But she’s reliably messy, and she cracks the occasional good line, and she’s filling the airtime that would hypothetically be devoted to Porsha browsing vegan alternatives. And while I’m horrified by her apparent plan to grandfather her 20-year-old daughter into the drama, it’s certainly unlike anything I’ve seen before. I’ll continue to withhold judgment (of Kim the character; Kim the person remains awful).
Thankfully, for every Friend Of, there must be an equal and opposite Friend Of. Kim might have been up to her usual dark-sided antics, but Marlo was there to rebalance the karmic scales with angelic acts of friendship.
Marlo truly came in clutch during the climactic fight of the night, getting NeNe’s bun together while NeNe told Porsha some home truths. The picture doesn’t capture the exquisite absurdity of the moment, so here’s Twitter user DeMarko_Gage with the footage. The pat. It’s all in the little pat at the end.
We all deserve a Marlo. But who could we live without?
6. Cynthia: On the plus side, I’m glad Cynthia is digging deep into her friendship with Kenya, because Cynthia’s codependent streak with her alphas is hilarious. Sad Phaedra’s not around to draw up a new friend contract. On the minus side, I could not be more bored of the courtship between Cynthia and her new boo, whose name I do not even remember. Phil? Bill? There has to be a more interesting guy for her. She should ask Kenya what service she uses.
5. Kandi: In the background, cackling at Porsha’s embarrassing lies and rolling her eyes at NeNe (even though they’re supposed to be on the same side, theirs is a hatemance that endures). But emphasis on “in the background.”
4. Porsha: When Kim and Shereé showed up on her doorstep, Porsha’s face lit up like Christmas morning. Finally, someone to film with! Porsha barely exists in these women’s lives, except for the odd time the cast gathers to watch NeNe pick her bones clean. She’s in the Vicki Gunvalson seat, where her past actions are so wormy and despicable that any attempt to dunk on another person just makes her look foolish. Like, yeah, NeNe is blowing up about dumb shit for no reason, but until she starts spreading rape rumours, preeetty sure you don’t got a leg in this one, Frick.
3. NeNe: On the one hand, I’ve always been exhausted by NeNe’s argument style of honking loud catchphrases in people’s faces. On the other hand, I like an ending that consists of two people yelling FUCK YOU back and forth over a “To be continued…” title card. I’m not made of stone here. There’s also something freeing about the fact that I don’t care about either NeNe or Porsha, because it relieves me of having to litigate who’s right in their argument. Burn each other to the ground, ladies; you have my blessing.
2. Kenya: Poor Kenya. I feel genuinely awful that the grandmother who raised her passed away. The last thing this woman needs is more mommy issues. Grieving Kenya is an interesting animal because of the histrionic way Kenya performs every emotion. A good example is when her dog, Velvet, was killed. Kenya was by all accounts devoted to the dog and clearly devastated at the loss, but because she expresses herself in such an over-the-top way, it can look, for lack of a better word, fake — even when it’s obviously not. I don’t know where I’m going with this observation except to comment once again on the enigma that is Kenya Moore. Other than that, she should probably stay away from Kim Zolciak, whose desperation will rub off on her, flattering nobody.
1. Shereé: Cruising. Cruising! Shereé and her hairstyles are cruising this year. She has not a single enemy in the whole cast. She’s being her usual troll self, but everyone thinks it’s hilarious. She’s in bed with Kim, but she gets a pass on it. She confesses that she loves a jailbird (Tyrone! The dude on the phone from the rich bitch fight!) and the entire cast affirms and supports her. Imagine Kenya making a similar disclosure. She would be eviscerated. Shereé Whitfield has always been a woman ahead of her time, and finally, the people have caught up. They’ll all be sleeping on air mattresses by the end of the year. Bank on it.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta: the women attempt to explain “Silicon Valley” to Porsha for an hour before giving up and changing the trip itinerary.