Gerard on me and you’re sure to…uh…
With the S4 taglines fresh out the oven, it’s time to decide once and for all just which of our (non-feral) Aussie heroines have attached the snappiest sayings to their names.
28. My fabulous life comes down to love and laughter–not luck. (Chyka, 1)
27. Style is an attitude, not something you can buy. (Chyka, 2)
26. Honesty and integrity are my favourite accessories. (Chyka, 3)
We don’t hate Chyka here at TBDubs, for the record, but let’s just get these out of the way right now. I mean holy shit these are some boring Chyka-ass taglines fuck outta here.
25. I’ve turned each painful ending into a big beautiful beginning. (Sally, 4)
We’re already preemptively dreading Sally as La Nueva Chyka (no really, we don’t like…hate her…but…) and this is not helping.
24. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of my kitchen. (Susie, 3)
Congratulations to Susie on this improbably high finish. Also hadn’t someone used this tagline or one damn well near it already? Refresh my memory, nerds!
23. When you know who you are, you have nothing to prove. (Jackie, 3)
An oddly defensive tagline from Jakica, who, after all, always has the angels on her side. Who cares about proof?
22. When you finally fall on your feet, people will still try to bring you down. (Gamble, 4)
Even as I rank this tagline low, note that I fully embrace its spirit (i.e. clearly subtweeting Gina’s stank ass, duh), and already predict that Gamble will be the S4 MVP. Watch this space!!!
21. I’ll give you my opinion, but you’d better be ready to hear it. (Gina, 1)
I feel like my opinion on this tagline fluctuates on how irritating (read: racist) Gina is being in a particular season.
20. I love tradition but I’m no traditional housewife. (Lydia, 2)
Gotta love Lydia’s early miscalculation that people would see her as the chic domestic goddess of the series. Fortunately Lucifer called her home S3 God bless us every one.
19. Never come between a woman and her plastic surgeon. (Andrea, 1)
18. I may look like a jetsetter, but my feet are firmly on the ground. (Lydia, 1)
17. Make light of me all you want, but I’m still going to shine! (Jackie, 2)
Demerits for not saying “shine” an additional two times.
16. Yes, I’m a flirt, but home is where my heart is. (Lydia, 3)
Gotta love when a housewife uses her tagline to tacitly acknowledge that everyone thinks she’s a disgusting slut.
15. I save my best pot-stirring for the kitchen. (Lydia, 4)
If I thought Lydia were smarter (or remembered that Susie existed) I’d credit her for delivering a demented, evil parody of Susie’s sole tagline. As it stands, I somewhat admire the gusto on display here. “I may have nearly nuked myself off this show by spreading literal slander, but I still think you’ll like me for my pretend cooking.”
14. I stand by what I say, but not how you interpret it. (Gina, 4)
An endearing example of Gina’s utter inability to take responsibility for anything ever.
13. I deal in fact, not friction. (Gina, 2)
12. Persistence is king and I’m the queen of it. (Gina, 3)
Two endearing examples of Gina’s gorgeously incoherent narcissism.
11. I’m not everyone’s drink of choice, but I’m my cup of tea. (Janet, 3)
Now that I write this down I guess it’s not that great a tagline but whatever I think Janet’s rad.
10. This little flower is no shrinking violet. (Pettifleur, 2)
9. I may run with the wolf pack, but I tread my own path. (Gamble, 3)
Spoiler: name-based taglines always work, even when they’re this tortured and indirect.
8. Some people have ups and downs; I have roller coaster rides. (Janet, 2)
7. I always follows my intuition–and let the angels do the rest. (Jackie, 4)
Jackie finally leaning into the angels in one of these? Bout time. (Or, as Jackie would say, YAS.)
6. When life throws rocks, I melt them down into diamonds. (Janet, 1)
Love this insight into Janet Roach’s ideas about chemistry.
5. My husband may be a rock star but now it’s my turn to shine, shine, shine! (Jackie, 1)
“Shine shine shine!” AND a Ben Gillies ref??? Bestill my heart and shove me into a cold shower.
4. If you’re offended by what I say, imagine what I’m thinking. (Janet, 4)
LET IT OUT Janet you’re quitting anyway (lol yeah right)!!!!
3. Gamble on me and you’re sure to win. (Gamble, 2)
This is probably the best tagline you could aspire to as a relatively well-adjusted, witty, personable cast member of a show like this. Fortunately, there are true DSM-V case studies up in this piece. Behold, the top two:
2. When you’re named after the hottest planet, things are sure to get fiery. (Venus, 4)
Is this bitch really rolling up to her FIRST tagline making an ASTRONOMY-BASED NAME PUN ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Unprecedented, I am not worthy, slay me queen, &c.
1. I’m in the best shape of my life; who begs to differ? (Pettifleur, 3)
This is the best tagline of all time and it’s not even close. It’s even true; I dare you to tell me PF isn’t a fuckin sex bomb at fifty-two years of age. Ceylonese don’t Creylonese.
Now tell us: which are your faves? And do the new taglines excite you for this season? Because they should. These ladies are about to get feral I can feel it in my waters.