Content warning: Cary’s relationship with Mark.
Taylor: Okay, so: White Party. If I am LeeAnne Locken, watching Brandi Redmond viciously gut her former friend Cary, I’m like, that’s it, we’re getting married. Like what greater commitment to our love could there be than a blood sacrifice? But somehow—I’m guessing the low self-esteem borne of marrying a control freak sociopath—Cary rejoined Brandi’s flock?
Gerard: Regardless of how it all ended up, it was honestly thrilling to see Brandi go after Cary. When she dropped the nanny shit I was like…oh, daaamn. You could see it on Stephanie’s face too.
Taylor: Oh, yeah, in the immediate wake of LeeAnne’s LICK UP MY DOG SHIT BREATH broken glass rant. What a few minutes in the life of Cary Deuber.
Tracey: It’s funny, because it seems like everyone knew this anyway, so it was just being brought up to publicly humiliate her…which, you know, very Brandi MO.
Gerard: Oh I loved that LeeAnne could break a damn glass (that she apparently BROUGHT HERSELF) and it was immediately swept under the rug because, sorry, it’s Cary’s time to die.
Gerard: I honestly think that everything about the editing/the reunion making the Deuber situation ambiguous was entirely ass-covering for slander suits, because come on…it’s all true.
Taylor: It’s all true! It’s all true. Cary was the nanny. Cary 1000% said the shit about the doctor killing people on the table.
Gerard: And yes, Mark gets his dick sucked at The Round-Up?
Taylor: He does! In fact, let this be our segue. Cary and Mark: go nuts.
Gerard: Here’s where we put a disclaimer because we’re a website I guess: this is just our opinion.
Taylor: Yes, no evidence.
Gerard: But yes, he does.
Tracey: Without a doubt. Everything said was true.
Gerard: Even on her apology tour LeeAnne wouldn’t REALLY retract it…
Taylor: I will take this opportunity to debut my theory on Cary and Mark, which you have both heard but the good people of the public have not, which is that Mark uses Cary to enact some sort of weird dress-up control fetish he has, and dudes for his other carnal urges. As Ger once so eloquently put it, ‘women for weird Hitchcock shit, and men to get ya dick wet.’ Now mind you once again this is mere conjecture, not justifiable fact, but I have thought about it long and hard and am convinced it is the only logical conclusion. You’re welcome.
Gerard: Yeah, I buy it.
Tracey: I think as a control freak he loves the way he can present himself to the world with his perfect pretty thin wife who also is an accomplished nurse, and I think the Round-Up stuff is because he’s an egomaniac who loves to be worshipped by man or woman.
Taylor: He needs to work on that self-presentation because they both looked psychotic this year. Remember when he tried to make her eat Zuri’s leftovers? That is DERANGED.
Tracey: Well yeah, his plastic surgery clinic website is the portrayal. He’s not so much able to keep up the facade on camera.
Gerard: They’re…not as TV-ready as they appear to think they are. They’re horrifically bad liars.
Tracey: It’s always laughable to me, because how much do they even film you together? You can’t be nice for like two weeks?
Taylor: Yeah, they’re very like…you know how the premise of this show, sort of at a very stripped-down level, is an analogue to American Beauty or Desperate Housewives, i.e., here is beautiful upper class suburbia but a surprising darkness lurks behind the picture-perfect facade, or whatever? They’re the kind of people where I expect the darkness, like that they are a bad couple is not shocking in any way to me. ‘Oh she was a nurse at his plastic surgery clinic, but then he left his wife for her, and now he dresses her and they give each other botox injections. Yeah, sounds like a bad marriage.’
Gerard: I do wonder how they THINK they’re presenting themselves. Like, the Hollmans, for instance…you understand the shtick they’re reaching for. I guess for the Deubers it’s that work/family tension thing, but my God, listen to the words you’re saying. Cary saying OVER AND OVER that Mark is jealous that his daughter EXISTS? Eesh.
Tracey: And for someone so image-conscious I wonder how Mark doesn’t factor clearly resenting Zuri into his representation.
Taylor: I don’t think he can help himself. I don’t think he can control his anger. In fact, let me make a big swing at the fence prediction: Deuber separation by the season 3 reunion.
Gerard: I can’t believe they’ve lasted this long even, but who knows! This shit was forged in Hell seemingly.
Tracey: Yeah, this is a shocking 8 years of marriage.
Gerard: And I don’t think Cary knows herself well enough to figure out an independent route, really.
Taylor: She’ll get alimony and start a handbag line.
Tracey: It’s funny: I think that Real Housewives and divorces go so hand-in-hand because it finally gives the woman something of her own for when it’s over.
Taylor: Oh, for sure. Dallas is maybe a little less stable since the ratings are so low, but it’s a salary coming in. It’s a brand and an identity.
Gerard: Cary’s just such a hollow human though…relies on her husband and daughter and yoga to create the semblance of being an actual human. I guess eventually it has to collapse.
Taylor: I also think it’s hard to deny how bad your marriage is once you see it on TV.
Tracey: I’m sure she’ll have a yoga line out soon enough, or video.
Gerard: I’m exhausted by this prissy white lady using YOGA as her hook! Nobody cares, ugh. I suppose it’s probably edgy for Dallas still.
Tracey: Also, like…bless Dallas for putting the Deubers on my screen, though I dislike them immensely. They are fascinating to watch.
Gerard: Oh yeah. I stand by “serial killer Silex.”
Taylor: I was so bored with them in season 1, but this year I felt like I was watching something illicit. I can’t even come up with a point of comparison for it. It was like…being trapped on a fancy boat with a rich couple and he’s about to murder her and she doesn’t know, and I’m invisible watching the whole thing play out.
Gerard: Part of what makes Cary a prominent antagonist is that her enemies (okay LeeAnne) clearly feel so insulted by the big lie of this marriage. Bitch your life isn’t perfect we all know! EVERYbody knows! “Oh no no no, I have sex eighteen times a day and love my job with my perfect husband who buys me things.” This is like the 104th fucking season of this show stop it!
Taylor: Again, their story ended with him buying her an expensive bag, as if their problem was ever that he doesn’t buy her things.
Tracey: A nice bandaid…the Hermes bandaid.
Taylor: No, your problem is that he resents you and tries to control you and is possibly gay! And hates your daughter!
Gerard: /all women…
Taylor: You can’t fix that with a purse Cary! Run!
Gerard: Like, Hitchcock is right: dress women up and make them fuck you regularly out of spite toward womankind more than anything.
Tracey: It’s too bad his first wife is a doctor and probably not interested in the drama; I’d love to bring her out season 3.
Gerard: Oh my God she HAS to show up! Throw a big fat check at her! Surely publicly humiliating Cary Deuber is worth it woman!
Taylor: Oh yeah, I don’t even care who she is—first wives’ club, let’s go.
Gerard: Maybe she’s embarrassed to advertise that she was married to Mark Deuber, in fairness.
Taylor: Speaking of season 3, it’s time for predictions. Is it back? And who comes with it?
Tracey: I think it’s back. I know ratings were dire, but it generated enough buzz to squeak by.
Gerard: It seems like all systems go. I think they realize it’s a cult hit, even if the numbers suck, yeah.
Taylor: I was pessimistic as often I am, but I think it’s back too. How can you deny a season that good?
Gerard: I think it’s also abundantly clear that LeeAnne is a breakout star: she drives memes, hardcore fans queen out for her…I guess they could just give her a spinoff, but this feels easier.
Taylor: I’m glad she caught fire, she deserves it.
Gerard: And the buzz says that all the women are back and I agree: all the women and one newbie to mix things up.
Tracey: Everyone stepped it up this year, but I still believe it’s The LeeAnne Show.
Gerard: Yeah. Season 1 was unbelievably imbalanced; this season was more of a fair fight, but she’s still number one.
Gerard: And I am actually optimistic that we wont just get “dogpile LeeAnne” part 3 next time. The sorority girls cannot last that long with their wormy-ass faux friendships, and LeeAnne will be on her best behavior most of the time. Plus, she’s getting married.
Taylor: And I think D’Andra’s loyalty to LeeAnne, whatever it is, is genuine and supersedes the show, and I think anyone on the other team would sell out anyone else.
Tracey: Let’s see Cary align with LeeAnne. Not sure what circumstances would get us there, but I’m for it.
Gerard: I mean I neeeever EVER would have predicted Brandi/LeeAnne, EVER, so.
Taylor: Brandi Redmond. They’re both against Brandi Redmond. That’s what does it.
Gerard: Yeah, that would be interesting, because Stephanie clearly held fire on Brandi because of their history. If Cary flipped, it’d be full-on war. They just need to cast the seventh slot very carefully to ensure that this new woman destabilizes the group, and hopefully once D’Andra and Kameron are settled in they’ll play a role too.
Tracey: I’d like to see D’Andra and Kameron stand up for LeeAnne more, really mix it up on her behalf.
Gerard: I think they might. D’Andra’s gotten a good reception, so that should boost her confidence.
Tracey: I want to see D’Andra/LeeAnne as a Dorinda/John Mahdessian relationship, where she defends LeeAnne to the death in public but then in private berates LeeAnne for whatever she’s done.
Gerard: It’s definitely great to see someone who can call out LeeAnne without being an asshole about it, because it shows clearly how bullying the others are being.
Taylor: And LeeAnne is very receptive to it! She’s like a dog: you just need to swat her on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and she gets the message.
Gerard: I loved the reveal that D’Andra and LeeAnne are friends because they’re both capable of rage blackouts; D’Andra’s are just more healthily directed toward her husband’s son.
Taylor: Hey, until the day she wakes up to find Dee dead at her feet and the keys to Ultimate Living clutched in her hands, that’ll have to do!
Taylor: Any parting thoughts before we wrap ‘er up?
Tracey: I want to say how tired I am of people acting like LeeAnne is really going to kill them with her stash of sandpaper.
Gerard: Hm, well, I guess I want to shout out LeeAnne’s prop comedy. The hot dog, Two-Face Stephanie, Rich’s dick…she really added extra flavor above and beyond her obvious good qualities.
Taylor: If that was your rose, what was your thorn?
Gerard: LeeAnne being left in an empty garden is my thorn; my rose, of course, is my marriage to Tom D’Agostino.
Taylor: Me too. I’m hopeful that next year’s reunion is a bit better, and the season that precedes it is every bit as good.
Gerard: I have faith. These women know how to bring it, and I think they’ll realize people want something fresh. I mean Brandi fucking invented a fake conflict with Stephanie AND befriended her archnemesis just to create content sooo…
Tracey: Yeah, I’m optimistic season 3 will be just as good as long as LeeAnne Locken is there.
Gerard: She was hatched out of an egg to star in reality TV; she’ll reliably bring it, always.
Taylor: She’ll be back. The carnival comes back to town every summer, like clockwork.
Gerard: Notwithstanding her saying she won’t…like…it’s LeeAnne. Saying something she doesn’t mean in the heat of the moment, quelle surprise.
Taylor: Alright, let’s kill this thing. I’ve had too much Jesus Juice to continue.
Gerard: NEVER USE THOSE WORDS AGAIN! Uh, I mean…until next time, Our Loyal Readers.
Taylor: Sorry to anyone who just got kicked out of Sunday school for that. Bye!
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