Alright, everyone: put down your oversized novelty dildos and pick up your facsimile police reports. Yep, it’s Roundtable Pt. Deux time.
Taylor: While we’re on the subject of our new girls, why don’t we make a pit stop at Kameron Vuitton Westcott? (Changing my chat background to pink for this section.)
Gerard: I know pink dog food is the hook here, but my fave Kameron kuality was her unabashed disgust for Brandi Redmond.
Tracey: The sparkle dog saga was one of my favourite housewife storylines…of all time.
Taylor: Oh, yeah, both equally good.
Gerard: The plan to eventually roll out BLUE dog food for BOY dogs was beyond.
Tracey: Nothing is more perfect to me than her convincing her husband to give her the start-up cash, creating the food, panicking about how it was not the correct pink, finally achieving the correct pink shade, then revealing that it was just pink bits mixed into normal kibble after their testers were horrified at their dogs’ pink shit.
Taylor: I maintain that this was like…a broad post-modern parody of a Housewives storyline. It’s the only way it scans to me. It’s pop art Housewives.
Gerard: I fully believe she’s entirely in on her joke.
Taylor: I think she is in on her joke while still being quite dumb, and fairly sincere.
Gerard: I think it’s like…her stated hook is “I’m a smart blonde playing dumb,” but she’s like…a savant blonde playing a smart blonde playing a dumb blonde. There’s a lot of meta layers.
Taylor: Oh for sure. She’s like, a smart woman who WANTS to be as dumb as she’s pretending to be, like, wouldn’t the world be grand if I were a huge fucking idiot? So I am!
Tracey: I still read Kameron as smart…ish, but I guess that was mostly due to interactions with Brandi so not a high bar to pass.
Gerard: I think it’s all about the scam more than anything…just muddy the waters enough to skid by as easily as possible.
Taylor: Either way, I love her devoted 2004 socialite vibe. The world has too quickly forgotten that era of trash celebrity (sorry, Tinsley).
Tracey: There’s never a wrong time to name your dog Louis Vuitton.
Taylor: And put him in a Von Dutch doggy jacket…
Gerard: Yeah, one upside of this show’s setting is how insanely tacky and gaudy and, yes, oughts-ish everything is…the McMansions, the S1 makeup…
Taylor: Oh Orange County just now got out of the Ed Hardy, in favour of hashtag tanks (which they will wear for the next decade).
Tracey: While we’re on Kameron should we discuss her major conflict?
Taylor: Oh, let’s do it now; plenty of other Brandi stuff to cover.
Gerard: It’s funny because I feel like most Housewives conflicts are secretly about something deeper, but in THIS case, everyone acted like it was about class and I think they just really fucking hate each other?
Tracey: I’m generally not a fan of prudish Housewives, but that’s usually in response to actual normal conversations. Brandi is just so immature and, yes, it was done to bother Kameron.
Taylor: I think Kameron was one of those newbies who came in knowing the score and was like, first chick to mildly annoy me, I’m going for her throat. And of course ‘first to annoy me’ is a road that points squarely back to Brandi Redmond.
Gerard: Agree with both. I think Kameron overreacted initially to the dildo—although it’s an exceptionally insipid “joke” for sure—but the proceeding incidents were plainly obnoxious bullying.
Taylor: I don’t! I was always on Team Kameron on this one. When a chick you hate comes at you with a dildo for any reason, that’s disrespect.
Gerard: Yeeeah but run-of-the-mill Housewives disrespect.
Taylor: I think it crossed a line. Not like a ‘Brandi needs to get fired’ line but I’d be pissed about it.
Tracey: Yeah, I felt it was being prudish at first, but then Brandi made sure to stamp out any righteousness by refusing to quit it.
Gerard: It’s hard for me to judge, because the second Brandi and Stephanie do one of these idiot middle school schemes I instantly check out. No, you’re not funny, sit down.
Tracey: And I’ll never defend it as actually funny, but overreaction from Kameron for sure…until it wasn’t. Now do I think Kameron was calling her trash for her zip code? Yes, but, uh, she ain’t wrong.
Taylor: I also find Brandi a bit Plano…
Gerard: I mean…bottom line, nothing Brandi does EVER comes from a place of innocent intent, so.
Taylor: It’s just dumb sorority girl shit. Like when Brandi was talking about their Vegas trip where they had to keep things in their vaginas—that’s odd, right? Like, I’m a dude, so maybe I’m just not in on these things.
Tracey: I mean that’s the kind of shit you do on a bachelorette, speaking as the sole female of BWs.
Taylor: Huh. The more you know.
Tracey: Well, I don’t know about the egg thing, but dildos and phalluses galore.
Gerard: I always say that LeeAnne and Brandi are deceptively similar, and one part of that is status anxiety. Brandi oozes with it, which is why she clings to Stephanie.
Taylor: Oh, for sure. Brandi’s worship of Stephanie is entirely aspirational, and Brandi is a mark Stephanie can manipulate easily. I think they for real like each other but their power dynamic is pretty straightforward.
Gerard: I find Stephanie chillingly Machiavellian, and she is the only one who has truly figured out how to play Brandi like a fiddle…uh, with one glaring exception.
Tracey: Brandi should skip the Stephanie rung on the ladder and idolize Heidi Dillon, since Stephanie is clearly on the rode to Single White Female-ing her.
Gerard: Stephanie is for sure gonna ditch Brandi someday, and it’ll get ugly.
Taylor: I mean, season 3, your lips to God’s ears.
Gerard: That friendship cannot last, for sure. Stephanie is too mercenary and Brandi too messy.
Tracey: Brandi, much like other Brandis of Housewives fame, will be the first to be cut when she gets too messy.
Gerard: Brandi is soooo fucking lucky she has a LeeAnne in her cast, because in any other cast EVER she’s the glaring nightmare disaster.
Taylor: I mean, yeah, it’s season 4 of RHOBH, right? The second Brandi notices her strings getting pulled, it’s over.
Tracey: Yeah, because she’s only marginally useful as the puppet to be pulled, the pawn to chuck into the mix with LeeAnne, to keep as a number on your side.
Taylor: Cary’s a better puppet: less mercurial, more predictable, mostly too self-absorbed to notice her role in your plan.
Gerard: If the two sides get scrambled next season Brandi is in big trouble, because on her own she has no inherent value to anyone else.
Taylor: We’re speaking in hypotheticals, but as we know, the Brandi/Stephanie friendship met its first roadblock this season. Her name: LeeAnne.
Taylor: How did we all feel about Brandi and LeeAnne’s doomed romance?
Gerard: I have like…a novel’s worth of feelings about it. There’s so many layers, befitting the absolutely byzantine personalities of both women. On a basic level, I think LeeAnne was ecstatic to be accepted by a former enemy, and clung to her for dear life to validate herself, and Brandi was 100% using her to get to Stephanie, but had that spy movie moment of “do I actually love my mark?”
Taylor: As sad as it is, I think LeeAnne is genuinely thrilled to be accepted by literally anyone.
Tracey: I couldn’t get enough of LeeAnne as Brandi’s guard-dog at the first party of the season.
Gerard: It was such whiplash! The first two episodes I felt like I was going crazy.
Tracey: And I think Brandi was dumb to not genuinely side with her, because LeeAnne is as loyal of an ally as you can get, suffocatingly intense though she may be.
Gerard: It was politically ill-considered for sure. She’ll never get another chance with LeeAnne, that alliance is closed to her now.
Taylor: LeeAnne will ALWAYS be a better ally than Stephanie—Steph is self-interested and LeeAnne is co-dependent. But Brandi picks her friends like she did in high school: social status, pretty, rich, popular.
Gerard: But nobody seems to realize that about Stephanie! Which I oddly admire.
Taylor: She’s good at what she does. I’m sure you could find a lot of Stephanies in the Dallas social scene, but she’s the only one in this group of six who REALLY carries it off.
Gerard: WE see that she’s a cutthroat puppetmaster, but everyone’s looking at Cary fucking Deuber, as if she could organize anything.
Taylor: Cary Deuber can’t even organize a marriage to a heterosexual man. (Sorry, spoilers for the Cary part of the Roundtable.)
Tracey: Yeah, she couldn’t even organize a stealthy affair.
Gerard: But I did love the epic nature of LeeAnne/Brandi. Like, Tracey, when you said this was a classic season, that was one element; it’s the Jill/Bethenny element.
Taylor: Brandi flip-flopped so much that you can’t blame LeeAnne for wanting to believe it might end with them together, although of course it never would.
Tracey: Yeah, I hated watching Brandi raw-dog LeeAnne time after time, but it drove the season.
In the thrilling conclusion of our Dallas Roundtable, we debate the timeless question: does Mark Deuber get his dick sucked at the R—haaahahahaha just playing we all know he does. See ya tomorrow bbs.