Time flies, kids. We’re already halfway into season eight. Light up a sigarette and let’s dive in.
First, as always, the Staub Report. This was a “setting up the board” week, as the rift between Danielle and Dolores widened thanks to some handy note-passing from Teresa Giudice. The mid-season preview confirmed that 1) Danielle’s public sex incident will make air (a welcome relief after RHOC blueballed us on that Tamra Judge blowie scandal) and 2) Teresa has some sort of sitdown apology sesh with the Staub children. Things are looking up in the Danielliverse.
As for the rest of our warriors?
5. Melissa: While I admire the Gorgas’ commitment to oversharing and bad gender politics, we didn’t really need to hear about Joe’s horrified reaction to his infant daughter’s genitals.
4. Dolores: A nice advancement in the Dolores/Danielle drama as Dolores tries to submarine Danielle’s credibility by insisting she’s some kind of pillhead. Nice try, Dolores, but as Caroline Manzo will tell you, Danielle Staub is not so easily dispatched. Might we suggest a trip to the library?
3. Margaret: Marge has mastered one of the fundamental skills of Housewifing: appearing to be the less invested party in a feud while still constantly agitating the other person. Did she need to antagonize Siggy with that awful WAAAH I’M SIGGY WAAAAH I’M SO SAD ABOUT MY CAKE WAAAAH impression (deployed, ingeniously, during a relationship-building therapy exercise)? No, probably not. But she’s got the crowd on her side, so why not milk it a little?
2. Teresa: Teresa’s Shereé game (read: ferrying gossip indiscriminately between warring sides just to watch them blow up at each other) has been on point this season. I also appreciated when Dolores insisted that Danielle was a drug addict and Teresa flatly replied, “But she does yoga.” More of that sterling judgment of character that gave us the season four finale, a year-long jail stint, etc.
1. Siggy: Once again, Siggy wins Queen of the Episode simply by being herself. Attempting to gain control of a snowballing situation, Siggy invites the women to some therapy retreat she’s facilitating. It’s not until the bus on the way up, when they spot this photo of Siggy committing archery on her Insta:
accompanied by one of her signature social media rambles about truth and justice and haters and whatnot, that they realize they’re stepping into a trap.
As far as I can tell, Siggy’s self-help seminars consist of her putting on a Powerpoint and making vague platitudes for an hour, then violently dispatching whichever audience member she likes least. Presumably because The Public Shaming of Melissa was so successful, she does a follow-up hit on Margaret, naming and shaming her in front of her seminar attendees while rattling off every mean nickname a bully ever called her in high school.
This martyrdom carries over to Siggy’s merch table, where she’s selling shirts that say SOGGY FLICKER. Now, mind you, the “Soggy Flicker” joke hasn’t even aired at this point, so there is no possible reason anyone but these six women would even know what that shirt meant. It’s totally a Zarin move for Siggy to pretend she’s in on the joke while also reminding everyone that Margaret wronged her. Very slick. Mazel tov.
Next week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Margaret drops Siggy during a trust fall.