This season was my rose; this reunion was my thorn.
6. LeeAnne (NC): There’s no way around it: this was a bloodbath. I’ve never seen a reunion so heavily tilted against one person (Danielle Staub notwithstanding). LeeAnne entered this reunion determined to be as contrite as possible for her actions this season, a strategy shared by no one. This is a dangerous play, especially when you’re already the de facto cast scapegoat (you’re far better off belligerently defending your wrongdoings or issuing patently fake apologies a la Ramona Singer), and LeeAnne got nailed for it. This might have been part of LeeLee’s larger tendency toward martyrdom — “right now, my garden looks empty” was a classic LeeAnne heartstring tug — but if it was, it worked on me. Watching an icon like LeeAnne get gutted carnie-style was a frustrating and sorrowful experience.
5. Stephanie (-3): Nothing ventured, nothing lost. In a season characterized by Housewives surrendering themselves to the process, Stephanie withheld and was rewarded for it. She places low here because other women who could have conceivably met with disaster, avoided it, but she didn’t lay a wrong foot.
4. Brandi (NC): Brandi Redmond needs to kneel by her bedside and thank her God immediately, because by all rights, she should have been pilloried. Instead, she got some “you’re on probation” hand slaps from a far-too-forgiving alliance and confused despair from the woman whose heart she broke. A better person would learn her lesson and clean up her act for season three, but Brandi’s not a better person.
3. Cary (NC): I don’t know how the Deubers wrested this reunion from the clutches of defeat, but they managed to rewrite history so that even “Cary was the nanny,” the most potent anti-Deuber bomb, didn’t stick. A grotesque spectacle that bordered on Orwellian. There was so much Mark Deuber dick-sucking at this reunion, I thought I was at The Round-Up.
2. Kameron (+2): Having put in her punching bag hours at the first part of the reunion, Kameron settled into the role of CNN special correspondent, chucking in soundbites of punditry on demand. “She didn’t mean it; that’s just her carnie talk” is the most robust defence of LeeAnne Locken I’ve heard yet.
1. D’Andra (NC): Got to deliver the valedictory remarks, after which Andy Cohen remarked upon her intelligence, poise and kindness. D’Andra crushed this one, kids. Dee might consider giving her the corner office for a performance like this, if she watched, which she didn’t.