Everything’s bigger in Texas, except, thank God, the reunions.
I must say, I’m fond of the expedited pacing Bravo gives reunions for the franchises they don’t give a shit about. We fly through the drama and you can tell whole segments are missing, which is A++ in my books. No need to spend an entire hour getting out the Home Depot colour wheel and selecting the exact shade of panties Erika should have worn. Let’s skip the boring stuff and get to the part where LeeAnne tried to kill a man with sandpaper. Of course, this was also the ugliest reunion set since RHONJ rented out the I Love New York house, so the lack of care comes out in other ways.
Who won part one of the reunion?
6. LeeAnne: LeeAnne is taking a hard fall for a season whose bad behaviour was pretty evenly spread amongst her, Brandi and Cary, which seems unfair. But as any medieval astronomer will tell you, people fear the stars, and LeeAnne is the brightest in this particular night sky. I can imagine her handling the onslaught worse than she did, but no one was more embattled in this first hour than LeeAnne. Litigating the individual death threats alone taxed her significantly. I bet she performs better against Cary and Mark in the second hour. Hard not to look good against that axis of slime.
5. Kameron: This doesn’t reflect my opinion of her performance (she is my number one forever and for always), but let’s be real: Kameron’s entire purpose on this show is to be an object of ridicule, and this reunion bore that out. “If I’m Big Bird, you’re Oscar the Grouch, who lives in a garbage can” is a yet another genius Kameronism that won’t get the credit it deserves.
4. Brandi: Not a transcendent performance or anything, but given the sheer amount of fuckery she got up to this season, girl is cruising. It helps that she has the inexplicable mercy of production and a far more supportive couch than she deserves.
3. Cary: Maybe Mark and Andy had a backstage tête-à-tête, if you get my meaning, because Cary’s another one who got off far easier than she should have. But I saw her flail a couple of times. First of all, loved when she dropped “please listen with the intention of understanding me, not responding,” which is for sure something she picked up in a couples therapy session Mark signed them up for to further manipulate her, as sociopaths do. And she lapsed into her signature brand of white lady hysterics the second Mark joined the set, so while it’s not a replay of the season one reunion yet, watch this space.
2. Stephanie: I guess this is the value of the Stephanie strategy — getting to chill at the end of the couch, insulated by warm bodies, shaking your head at poor violent LeeAnne and knowing not a goddamn thing is going to touch you. Reapply your makeup and mentally backfill your living room pool for the next 12 hours; you’ve earned it.
1. D’Andra: Got to shoot the shit about Dee, got to defend LeeAnne in a way that made her look like a loyal friend without any of the residual carnie stink. Like Kameron, D’Andra’s reunion has been a reflection of her season: an effortless win. P. S. Two trusts!