The Real Housewives of Dallas: Season 1 Takeaways

Catching up on this newbie of a series was never a priority for me, but its emerging cult status has drawn me in. Below, seven quick takeaways from watching season 1 of LeeAnne and Friends.

If I never hear the phrase “Jesus Juice” again, it’ll be too soon. As the season progressed, I would challenge myself to drink every time Brandi or Stephanie uttered it, then immediately had to stop because they’d drop it roughly three times every thirty seconds. In fact pretty much every joint scene with those two was an obnoxious nightmare of forced ~wackiness~ (Brandi and Stephanie can’t change a lightbulb! Brandi and Stephanie kill a spider! Brandi and Stephanie conspire to assassinate Gerald Ford!) that made me want to die. Glad to hear they apparently have a season 2 falling out.

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Yes, Brandi, we see youI am not about obnoxious attention-seekers at the best of times, but this chick really takes the cake. The ridiculous spectacle Brandi made of herself with her gigantic dog-shit hat and subsequent fake poop prank was beyond tiresome, and unfortunately proved to be the major template of her character, as most of her conflicts this season revolved around her self-professed, unending hunger for attention from one and all. See a shrink, hon; paying attention to you is their job, you’ll love it.

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There is some real grime in Dallas, my God. Above and beyond the assorted trespasses of the Housewives themselves, they also drag two of the stankest Housewives guest stars ever into our lives. Over the course of a single season, Marie Reyes goes from making random party appearances to sending out a flying monkey army of Twitter bots to harass LeeAnne and Tiffany. Meanwhile, Heidi Dillon shows up to call Cary a homewrecking whore, then demand that she deep throat a corn dog mid-party. Dag, y’all.

These women need to divorce their mans. Well, Stephanie’s and Tiffany’s marriages are fine, they just bore the shit out of me. Brandi, though…c’mon girl, your husband hates filming this show and barely even seems to tolerate you (can’t blame him there but still). Cary, I’m sure it’s real fun to be a husband-and-wife serial killer team but MARK is GAY and the Real Doll dress-up shit he does with you is WEIRD AS FUCK!

Rich needs to marry LeeAnne, though. SHE JUST NEEDS THE SECURITY OF REAL LOVE OKAY!!!! (I believe they get engaged S2 but canonically I don’t know that yet.)

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On that note, LeeAnne is a character of novelistic depth. Honestly, she carries this season. Granting you that LeeAnne has a big ego and terrifying anger issues: she is always in the right. ALWAYS! I came to despise the sorority girl clan of Brandi, Stephanie, and Cary for their smirking, middle-school trolling of her. Praying that she guts them all carny-style.

Tiffany Hendra also exists. She’s fine I don’t know. I like that she backs up LeeAnne, she has some good shoutdowns in there, whatever. Her solo footage sucks, though. We already have Australian rock royalty represented in the Housewives canon; we don’t need Keith Suburban up in here.

And now, onward and upward to some good old DICK SUCKIN’ AT THE ROUND-UP!

 

2 thoughts on “The Real Housewives of Dallas: Season 1 Takeaways

  1. I watched the premiere of Dallas last year then told myself they said “churrity” too much and dropped it and it might be my biggest housewives misses to date. I just blasted through like you did Ger and all of season one was good (thanks to Leeanne, natch) and Jesus Juice was more annoying than churrity.

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