Queen for an Episode: The Real Housewives of New Jersey – S08E05

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Season eight has been very good about delivering on the promises of its episode titles. Last week’s hour, “The Public Shaming of Melissa,” gave us just that. This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Siggy Flicker’s Cake? “Not Over It.” Hoo boy.

I was prepared to omit this week’s Staub Report in light of a slow episode with minimal Danielle participation (I was tragically misled that this would be the ep with her quickie in the restaurant bathroom; I guess I’ll have to delay that particular, uh, gratification). Thankfully, the former Ms. Merrill threw herself into the ring at the eleventh hour to hassle Dolores about her sketchy relationship with her ex-husband apropos of nothing. The way she went about it was so underhanded and rude and perfectly Danielle; everyone nearby, based on their facial expressions, recognized it as a low blow, though nobody stepped in. We also got to meet Marty, the man who is evidently committing the rest of his life to Danielle Staub, which… there’s an ass to fill every seat, I guess.

The main ‘wives, on the other hand, delivered one of the weaker episodes of the season, born of fatigue with the same old dramas and a lot of the empty nest footage that can bog down the franchise. It’s understandable, given the demographics of the cast members, but it demonstrates the benefit of stocking a cast with childfree hipsters who spend their extra money on fashion (Carole) and weekend moms (LuAnn). In any case, I zoned out the whole episode up until the climactic confrontation at the Gorga Spaghetti Factory, when things finally lurched to life. Who needs to get sent back to the kitchen for a reheat?

5. Melissa: Could not believe the Real Housewives of New Jersey used her dinner party as an excuse to argue instead of eating their pasta in respectful silence. How many seasons in are you now?

4. Teresa: It’s a toss-up whether the restaurant drama is contrived for television or an outlet for her Melissa angst, which remains palpable all these years later. Either way, a welcome showcase for the Gorga sibling incest vibe, though that folder is already thick with clippings.

3. Dolores: Speaking of warped family boundaries, Dolores finally got called to the carpet for her weirdo relationship with her ex-husband Frank. Not the most scintillating subject matter, but I’m a firm believer in the Depression-era approach to Housewives: if it exists to be weaponized against someone, it should be. Turn your bones into broth.

2. Siggy: I continue to respect her commitment to batshit insanity in a cast inclined toward playing it cool (the crack about hiding the knives lest Margaret use them to stab her in the back!!!! was a nice stroke of delusion), but I need her to come up with something new instead of dragging the same old horses out of the barn. This is a very easy cast to contrive fresh drama with, simply by making shit up if you must, so I’m hopeful. Grudge-holding is nice but the true mark of a Housewives artist is versatility. Your old single is falling off the charts, Siggy. Time to drop a new hit.

1. Margaret: This has been a great debut season for Margaret, who continues to provided sterling talking heads and fuel her Siggy feud without propagating its most tedious aspects. She’ll be back for season nine. What I want from her now is active participation, not just passive reaction. Spread a rumour. Say something unforgiveable. Launch an attack. Dolores is a fine target; maybe pick on her? Diversify. We also got a closer look at the Macbeth Collection, which premises itself on affordable luxury. Finally, a Gretchen Christine Beauté for the Franklin Lakes set.

Next week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa and Joe Gorga greet each other with a sensuous kiss on the lips, confusing and titillating us all.

4 thoughts on “Queen for an Episode: The Real Housewives of New Jersey – S08E05

  1. I got a real “Did you acknowledge- your- nephew??? Did you??? B^) ” vibe from the dig at Dolores’ relationship, which I loved. I also thought Teresa’s apology to Melissa was fairly impressive for her lol <3 I'm really enjoying this season, and kind of shocked we're not even halfway through. Siggy and Dolores' personal footage continues to be the sole negative, though.

    1. i’ve said this before, but it is stunning to me how few housewives across the major franchises can churn out compelling solo footage. i think nyc is the only city where an outright majority of the cast can carry their solo stuff. like, from the current casts of the other big ones:

      nj: teresa, depending on what she’s got going on in her life;
      oc: shannon and vicki;
      atlanta: honestly, no one;
      bh: maybe also no one? depends on how funny you find dorit.

      oceania is probably the best for casting housewives who do group and solo shit about equally well.

  2. I’m actually inclined to believe that Siggy is having a mental breakdown and is one tweet away from hospitalization
    Evidence A:https://www.instagram.com/p/BbAERA6D_bb/
    Evidence B: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DNoZdsWVQAABte_.jpg:large (Btw lol @ At Marge even posting that in the first place <3)

    I'm legit wondering why or how she's even functioning in real life, let alone as a life coach. I do hope she gets some new material though. At least Danielle is here to drag Dullores's personal life into things for a new storyline. Blatant shit stirring, but I'm glad someone called it out and I just wish she broke the 4th wall and said she did it for a storyline which we all know she probably did. Either way ick. I'm also not a fan of Siggy's solo footage either I just don't think her family is very interesting at all and her husband disturbs me actually.

    This is my first season of Jersey so maybe I'm not burnt out of the Gorga family drama yet? I actually kind of like Melissa she seems fairly agreeable but lord is she boring on the show. I do feel bad for her because Teresa as an in law would be a NIGHTMARE for anyone and it does seem like she has the best interests at heart but I think she's painfully boring and not super suited to the housewives format oops? I don't think she's like, bad though if that makes sense. Honestly Gia can take her spot (Or problematic 11 year old Milania or however old she is and speaking of, how many housewives have a kid named Milania? I know Monique from Potomac does and I swear at least another housewife does it's so weird to me)

    Margaret I'm obsessed with. I think she's almost sort of an odd fit for this franchise just because she's clearly intellectually above the rest of her cast mates and is quick witted plus actually owns business and does stuff on her own that I think only Siggy shares with her ((and lol like her business will stay afloat after this season)) like what does Dolores actually do for a living? I'd be curious to see how Margaret would've fit in on a cast like the neighboring NYC because to me superficially she almost vibes like she's from that cast. Regardless, she's needed here and I want her to take that next step to become a *great* housewife but she's already doing a lot with her material and her feud. "Marionette puppet dolores" and "I thought I made up with Dolores via osmosis with Siggy" were good lines and she has great talking heads. Even if she doesn't take that next step I'm happy with her and her role on the show. Easily the best housewife this season and I do think that Danielle will be taking "the next step" for the rest of the drama this season with bringing up random rumors and since the two of them text everyday I'm looking forward to them aligning in season 9 as two official housewives and for someone to have Danielle's back at the reunion where she inevitably sits with the cast the entire time for being the source of 90% of the non cake drama.

    Also another Danielle Staub tidbit she was at people magazines PEN survivor forum and sat on a couch with Courtney Yates (Block out Josh Wigler) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70MJFLNILtA&feature=youtu.be I'm ready for her appearance on the island soon and maybe she will help me tune back into Survivor like she inspired me to watch Jersey this season? Disappointed the sex at the Gorga's wasn't shown but apparently that happened at the grand opening and not the tasting so I'm still holding out hope it will be shown and it better be because I'm here for that. We were honestly quite robbed of Danielle as a full time housewife I mean who knows what's going on in her solo life right now? Like what is she doing for a living? I for one, want to know and I know Jersey has never really done 6 houseewives but they really should've for this season.

    Also also sidenote Dolores appeared on WWHL with Andy and her 19 year old son (who is no way 19 I don't believe it) was forced to have his shirt off as the bartender https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts6W1l6Vutk&t=33s and I just find the whole thing uncomfortable after Kathy exposed Andy. It wouldn't surprise me if Andy was a horrible individual not that I didn't grasp that already, but I just felt like commenting on that here.

    1. alright girl you did that.

      responding in bullets:

      • yeah, i’m convinced of the genuineness of siggy’s insanity by now (cf. her in that comment section threatening to reveal marge’s PAPERS FOR FRAUD). there might be some aspect of it that’s amplified on the show, but the goss has it that somewhere down the line, margaret drops a hitler analogy and siggy, who comes from a family of holocaust survivors, spins out. wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what stoked these extra outbursts. no cake is that good.

      • melissa v. teresa at its peak was a *nightmare* feud (almost entirely from tre’s end) so i don’t blame melissa for eating a little shit to make their relationship work in the present tense. once tre went to jail, i think melissa took it upon herself to squash the whole thing for the good of everyone. i agree that she’s basically a nice person, if dull and phony. the other housewife you’re thinking of with a milania is alexis bellino (lol).

      • danielle will 100% be on the couch for the full reunion.

      • dolores allegedly runs a gym but i think that’s just a pretext to give her busywork for the show. i think irl, she lives off frank’s alimony.

      • i think the substance of what kathy griffin says about andy cohen being misodge is true. it’s not that hard to pick out instances of it from the reunions (or from the entire invention/operation of real housewives, lbr). i don’t think he’s evil but he’s very clearly One Of Those White Gays. it extends to the way he seems to fuck and chuck exclusively young dudes… which i don’t judge on its own, but it seems consonant with the teenage son of his employee sitting there with his shirt off so andy can ogle his tiddies. i’m not a big andy fan in general.

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