It’s finally Halloween, witches! Tonight, a lot of people will settle in for their annual viewing of witchy cult classic The Craft. At Bitchy Witches HQ, our hearts belong to a different witch. Here’s our tribute to Carlton Gebbia.
We first meet Carlton with fellow season four newbie Joyce at a party for the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce, a bizarre event meant to conceal the fact that neither of the two women have any connection with the existing cast. We’re introduced to her husband, David, and her children, Destiny, Mysteri, and Cross. We take a tour of her gothic McMansion, which is a mix of Versailles and Dracula: Dead and Loving It — like someone got bored making a house in The Sims and just filled it with vampire furniture. It bears mentioning that Carlton is — or was; she’s since split with David and I don’t know the state of her financials — fucking loaded, like 150 mil plus, which makes her decisions to decorate her house like a Hot Topic and dress like a lady wrestler even more righteous.
This is Carlton with her assistant, Elizy. It is heavily implied that Carlton and Elizy are fucking. Do with that what you will.
Carlton wins my heart immediately by homing her dark sights on Kyle Richards, because Kyle killed a bee during brunch despite Carlton’s objections (fair! All living things have value!). Carlton also gets a stick up her ass about Kyle’s interrogation of her Wiccan beliefs, which a lot of people put down to oversensitivity on Carlton’s end but I think is a fine use of her witchy powers to spot Kyle’s judgy ass a mile off. Kyle and Carlton’s subsequent interactions will prove all of Carlton’s misgivings about Kyle true, so I have no compunction being #teamcarlton even if Car Car leans in a bit hard from time to time.
Image: Donna Bobana
At some point, Kyle tries to make things right in conventional Beverly Hills style: an exorbitant gift of jewelry. She gives Carlton a blue skull necklace, which touches Carlton so much that she temporarily calls a truce. Later that night, our heroine has such bad nightmares that she realizes Kyle is a malign force who gave her a cursed necklace. She places the crystal in a glass of distilled water to rid it of its bad vibes, and the war is back on. Seems legit to me! (In a lovely follow-up, we later find out that Carlton attempted to return the necklace by leaving it on a doorstep, only for it to mysteriously disappear. Beautiful. More magical realism on Housewives, please.)
Next in the saga of Kyleton: ink wars. True to her role as the edgelord of Beverly Hills, Carlton is decked out in tattoos. My personal favourite is a cross on her arm that says FUCK YOU which is like… I mean, I don’t need to elaborate any further, it’s all right there. Anyway, Carlton gets some new ink during filming and Kyle makes the well-intentioned if idiotic remark that it looks like a Star of David. Carlton, already predisposed to hate Kyle and interpret any of her religious inquiries badly, loses her shit and starts accusing Kyle of being an anti-Wicca bigot. Kyle flips the script on her and insists that au contraire, if Carlton is so offended at being mistaken for Jewish, she must be an anti-Semite! This goes on for a while, the two of them passing accusations of bigotry back and forth to get under each other’s skin. They both look ridiculous but hey what are we here for?
This leads into the best era of Carlton, which is the period when the women realize they’re fucking with a witch and become paranoid that she’s hexing them. First, Joyce and Carlton have a spat where Joyce reveals herself as a ~non-believer~, only for her husband Michael to “mysteriously” come down with food poisoning… A chastened Joyce begs Carlton to call off her magic, only to offend her further — as Carlton angrily clarifies, she has not dabbled in dark magic since she had her kids, how fucking dare you, I’m a mother, etc.
This is also the time when Kyle’s computer screen is mysteriously infected with words like WRAITH, TRAVESTY, BIGOT and LARVA (all true). Carlton’s magic strikes again. It’s also possible that this is a word-of-the-day screensaver, as evidence by the fact that the woman who works next to me in my office has the exact same one, but let’s not get in the way of a good fit of Kyle Richards histrionics. It’s magic.
Sadly, as with all witches of the screen, Carlton meets an unpleasant fate: disinvited from the cast trip, scorned at the reunion, and fired from the show. This was allegedly due to fan reaction, which holy shit, please put on my tombstone that you cannot count on RHOBH fans to get anything right. But again, as with the best witches of screen, Carlton got the last laugh.
Happy Halloween, witches!