*Twirls next to poorly rendered graphic of soon-to-be-divorced husband*
47. I have everything I’ve ever wanted, and it’s all on my own terms. (Cindy, 4)
NO ONE CARES CINDY BARSHOP. Also no you don’t, enjoy your federal tax lien bih~
46. All play and no work makes me a happy girl. (Carole, 7)
Don’t remind me that you’re all privileged pieces of shit I’m trying to enjoy my stories. (PS this is more fodder for the ghostwriting truthers out there.)
45. If you can’t handle the truth, you can’t handle me. (Bethenny, 8)
This is PLAGIARISM of Ramona’s S4 tagline and I shall not stand for it.
44. Pretty is smarter than you think. (Kristen, 7)
no it’s not
43. I’m not a Housewife, but I am real. (Bethenny, 7)
no you’re not
42. I plan for the future but live in the moment. (Carole, 8)
Who invited Chyka?
41. Good or bad, I know who I am and I own it. (Jill, 4)
A tough one, because the whole tagline and its presentation (I can hear the grating cheerfulness of “and I own it!” to this day) is admirably delusional. I’ve gotta put it here in the cellar, though, because hearing that tagline and then watching any given S4 Jill performance is absolutely infuriating, good Lord.
40. I’ve created a great life, and I love living it. (Kelly, 2-3)
JUST LIVIN MY LYF
39. I give Uptown a whole new attitude. (Dorinda, 7)
An underwhelming tagline debut for one of the greatest Housewives/humans of all time.
38. Never underestimate a woman born and raised in New York City. (Aviva, 5)
Ivanka Trump was born and raised in New York City.
37. New York City is my playground. (Bethenny, 1-3)
Does…does Bethenny ever actually play?
36. A true New Yorker never backs down, and I’m no exception. Holla! (Heather, 6)
Referencing the city really is the biggest tagline crutch there is, huh? Wish she’d have just let out one big, long Hoooooollaaaaaaaa! instead, if I’m honest.
35. My success is built on making women look and feel their best. Holla! (Heather, 5)
This is such an absurdly bad tagline that I almost ironically appreciate it, especially once you get the requisite Holla! stapled onto the end. Her delivery is also ridiculously sincere. Bless you, Heather Thomson.
34. I’m stronger than anything in my way. Holla! (Heather, 7)
And so this ranking bids a fast farewell to Heather, whose mediocre taglines were always obviously merely a vehicle for the Holla.
33. I run with a fabulous circle of people. (Jill, 1-3)
Translation: I appear when summoned by people reciting Sumerian chants in a circle.
32. I have a taste for luxury and luxury has a taste for me. (Sonja, 3-4)
31. I may be a princess, but I’m definitely not a drama queen. (Carole, 5)
A chilling foreshadowing of her S9 self.
30. If you’re going to take a shot at this B, you better not miss. (Bethenny, 9)
This one’s fiiine I don’t know I can never really get it up for Bethenny. Also, as a writer/pedantic jerkoff it sincerely bothers me that “take a shot” immediately follows “even a mugshot” in the S9 intro. This is awkward sequencing editors!!!
29. A little Sonja will spice up any party. (Sonja, 5)
28. I thought I had it good before, but I’m just getting started. (Luann, 4)
27. To some people, living elegantly just comes naturally. (Luann, 5)
These aren’t even thaaat good but holy shit they’re so Luann.
26. I’m not afraid to say what everyone else is thinking. (Ramona, 5)
25. If people can’t handle the truth, it’s really not my problem. (Ramona, 4)
…and these are so Ramona. I was definitely thinking that Luann is a weekend mom, and it’s true that Bethenny fucked her way to the top (on a waterbed).
24. A good set of lashes can fix anything, even a mugshot. (Tinsley, 9)
Not bad for a newbie. I feel comfortable plopping this down at the median point of the ranking and calling it a day.
23. Like a fine wine, I just get better with time. (Ramona, 8)
Only because she clearly refused to utter the word “age.”
22. I never feel guilty about being privileged. (Luann, 1-3)
Wouldn’t have guessed…
21. I’m living the American Dream, one mistake at a time. (Kelly, 4)
“Oops!… I mixed meds and said you were full of knives.”
20. I know I’m a piece of work, but now I’m a work in progress. (Ramona, 7)
I love Renewal seasons.
19. To a certain group of people in New York, status is everything. (Alex, 1-3)
Love the deluded passive-aggression of the opening clause.
18. I tell it like it is, but I always make it nice. (Dorinda, 9)
Dorinda’s catchphrase factory works harder than Santa’s workshop (they share a WeWork by the way).
17. My yacht may have sailed, but my ship is comin’ in. (Sonja, 7)
That’s the spirit! =)
16. I’ve always had opinions, but now people know it. (Alex, 4)
As a rabid partisan of twitchy truthteller-era Alex, I 100% endorse this tagline.
15. The only title I’d trade Countess for is wife. (Luann, 9)
Staaaaawp. (I also deeply appreciate the Bea Arthur growl with which she utters this.)
14. A Jew and an Asian walk into a bar… Then they had me! (Jules, 8)
A pretty cute tagline that I’d enjoy way more if it hadn’t becoming a running motif of her presence on the show.
13. In the politics of friendship, I win the popular vote. (Carole, 9)
Very clever, but also maybe too soon?
12. One should know: never count out the Countess. (Luann, 7)
The perfect nod to the Cool Countess’s triumphant return…
11. If you can’t be cool, you can’t be with the Countess. (Luann, 8)
…and the coke-fueled farce it immediately turned into.
10. Get the Pinot ready, because it’s Turtle Time! (Ramona, 6)
Unpopular opinion: Ramona has had a couple dozen more iconic moments than Turtle Time. Still tho.
9. I like making my own money, I find that an aphrodisiac. (Ramona, 1-3)
8. Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend; martinis are! (Dorinda, 8)
I agree, Dorinda, please throw back a few more martinis (and uhh nose martinis).
7. If being Sonja is so wrong, why does it feel so right? (Sonja, 8)
6. Sometimes Sonja has to go commando. What can I say? (Sonja, 6)
5. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m pretty! (Kristen, 6)
I don’t like that it’s regurgitated from a talking head, but I also can’t deny that I laughed pretty hard when I first heard it. Great delivery, too. It’s really Kristen’s best (only?) legacy.
4. If you’re going to talk about me behind my back, at least check out my great ass. (Carole, 6)
Props to the tagline she originally wanted, though: “Last year I was the fan favorite; I can’t wait to see how you fuck me over this year.”
3. I’m an acquired taste. You don’t like me? Acquire some taste! (Ramona, 9)
STRONGLY agree. Side-eyeing all the haters and losers who wanted her fired after S9 nail her to the cross why don’t you.
2. When people tell me I’m fake, I know they’re just pulling my leg. (Aviva, 6)
1. There’s nothing grey about my gardens. (Sonja, 9)
To me this is the perfect tagline, both in content and in reference to the tagee, and when it debuted I rewound it over and over and nearly asphyxiated.
NOW WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE?!!?!? And feel free to tell me the myriad things I’m wrong about.