There are two kinds of dogs in the world: SparkleDogs, and boring loser dogs. If you’re reading this website, you’re a SparkleDog. The kind that goes to Heaven.
Welcome back to Queen for an Episode, where we sort the pure pink princesses from the shoddy red pretenders. Who needs to get sent back to the factory?
6. Stephanie: Okaaay so I’ll probably get marked as heartless for this but Steph’s footage this week touched mostly on her son’s dyslexia and I don’t care. I get the value of portraying this struggle on TV, and I have no doubt it’s valuable for other parents and kids navigating learning disabilities, and I’d never suggest doing away with it entirely because it’s an important part of Stephanie’s life and as such should be depicted. But this is all time I could be using to hear Kameron pronounce things.
5. Brandi: Spent the episode playing out her hand from last week. Seems set to switch sides one last time before the clock runs out next week. If there’s an award for ship-jumping, Brandi gets it hands down. Chick’s like an octuple agent at this point.
4. Cary: I am fascinated that it looks like Cary is about to take the fall as the puppetmaster of the bowheads (shouts to Scout Cloud Lee). I’ve been railing on like a doomsday prophet that Stephanie is The Mastermind but LeeAnne seems convinced that it’s Cary. Have I been wrong this whole time? Is it Cary? I’m having a real crisis of faith here. LeeAnne and I have never had a meaningful difference of opinion before.
3. LeeAnne: LeeAnne walked a very precarious line between hissing innuendos about Cary in the back of the limo and pretending to take responsibility for her slander against Mark. For what it’s worth, I thought she did a decent job. Of course, that’s going to come crashing down with next week’s inevitable reveal that she orchestrated Nannygate but hey. Let’s celebrate her small victory while it lasts.
2. D’Andra: First of all, “L22” is a MacGuffin Hitchcock could only dream of. It’s perfect — nebulously scientific, specific yet generic, vague but essential to the product D’Andra is producing. It might as well be called unobtainium. Second, that scene with her openly weeping about the pet psychic fucking slayed me. Dee has her so fucked up she can’t even listen to a doggy psychic without having a meltdown. I dream of so thoroughly ruining my child someday.
1. Kameron: I don’t know what else to say. You’re either a Kameron person by now or you’re not, and I feel like a solid 90% of people hate this chick’s guts and I can’t understand it for the life of me. I want Kameron hooked to my veins like a Pepto Bismol IV drip. The woman is the broadest possible parody of a Real Housewife, but also hyper-stylized — Alexis Bellino meets a Phoenix Wright character. The whole saga of her nearly calling off the SparkleDog launch because the food wasn’t the exact right shade of pink, to her rapturous joy when the food emerged looking more or less the same, to her last minute throwaway admission that they’d spiked the formula with raw kibble anyway after the focus group’s alarm over pink dog shit… it’s just my exact speed of high level, detail-rich camp. The season is wrapping up next week so, barring any reunion updates, this is probably the end of the SparkleDog saga. I hold it aloft with Phaedra’s funeral home and Sonja’s toaster oven, two other glorious small Housewife businesses that dominated a season and dominated my heart, and then vanished forever.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Dallas: The finale! For real this time. I’m fucked up about it. I bet it looks like this.