This week’s Real Housewives of New Jersey ended in a protracted, completely sincere argument between two grown people about which of them was more like Joan Rivers. Things are clipping along nicely.
We can skip The Staub Report as Danielle had her Friend Of-iest week to date, acting as silent moral support to Team Tre and not much more. But good news for all those Danielle fans in the crowd (I see you, Kim G.!) as next week Danielle chucks up some fuckery that prompts Dolores to hiss “welcome back, scumbag” in her face. Pins and needles ’til then.
As for the main ‘Wives: who’s the real Joan, and who’s a shameful Melissa?
5. Melissa: “Joe surprises Melissa with a restaurant” was a landmark in the storied genre of fake Gorga footage, if only for how unnecessary it was. Why bother with this pretext that Joe surprised Melissa on-camera with a restaurant, she had misgivings, and they were settled over the course of a single scene? Why not just have Melissa give a talking head like “Joe bought a restaurant, I’m pissed, but it’ll be good for my dad (and my storyline) so I’ll get over it”? These are all rhetorical questions; I know Melissa fakes her footage because, like the scorpion, it’s simply her nature. In any case, stop by Gorga’s if you’re in the neighbourhood. Slip Joe an extra hundred and he’ll shred your documents, contract your house, and you get 25% off your next purchase at Envy.
4. Dolores: Glossing over the stuff about Frank and Frankie because who cares, my God who cares, I’m sympathetic to Dolores’s position in the group this year. It might be best to state, before I go further, that I firmly believe all the drama of NJ so far has been staged, and everyone is in on it. I’ll continue my analysis as though it’s all on the level, just because I’m the type of viewer who likes to buy into the universe, but I just wanted that noted. Anyway, I think Dolores is basically trying to back up a friend here. She knows Siggy is nuts, but doesn’t want to leave her out to dry. But it’s the losing side of the fight and she must know that by now. Points for the loyalty but it’s not going to get you anywhere.
3. Teresa: Must be relieved to finally play a supporting role for the first time since season two. She should luxuriate in this for as long as it lasts. Teresa also filled the underappreciated but necessary role of “Housewife who repeats a private conversation to the group for no other reason than to start drama.” Snitches are the glue that holds this show together.
2. Siggy: Like Dolores, I found myself sympathetic to Siggy’s position this week while still acknowledging that she’s nuts. If I can get a little “inside baseball” here: it felt like the women were begrudging Siggy for pulling very textbook “carrying out a feud on Real Housewives” moves. They all seemed floored that she would no-show Margaret’s party or call Margaret a mean name and IDK. None of this is clocking to me as egregious, ladies. I was here for the season four finale; I know what evil looks like.
1. Margaret: Margaret is a great addition to the show — it feels like she’s been here the whole time, which is the sign of a good newbie. She’s charismatic, she’s bold, and she’s plainly up to no good. Another big part of the reason that I was mildly #teamsiggy is because Margaret’s not any more or less nuts; she’s just in with the popular kids instead of the pariahs. Still, big brownie points for taking on a headline feud so early in her tenure and making it kind of fun and interesting. She needs to keep the pigtails in, though; she gave a talking head without them and it was like seeing your dad after he shaves his mustache. Very unsettling.
Next week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: a wacky, totally unrehearsed mishap at the Gorga Spaghetti Factory delights one and all.