It seemed impossible that season two of The Real Housewives of Dallas could get any better. Then they added robots.
RHOD2 has been an unlikely standout of the 2017 Housewives season, an unexpected joy that improves upon itself week over week. Episode ten was no exception — quite possibly the best hour of the season, it featured our Lone Star ladies at their pettiest, wackiest, and most beguilingly absurd.
Come on in and let’s get started. Keep your shoes on. Someone dropped a glass.
6. Cary: Oh, man. What a disastrous episode for Cary. The problem with being a relatively sane (if still thoroughly messy) person in a cast full of bona fide lunatics is occasionally they all turn the knives on you at once, and so it was here. Cary had to tell her husband about the dick-sucking rumours, got barked down by a ravenous-even-by-her-standards LeeAnne, and got outed as the au pair dangereuse who stole Mark from his ex-wife (where this is woman, by the way? Get her on season three!). That’s what we call getting gutted carnie-style.
Cary’s absolute worst liability as a Housewife is she can’t deny the truth, especially if she doesn’t see it coming. Her effort at fibbing away Brandi’s nanny revelation was decent (she usually ends up a quivering, sobbing wreck à la the season one reunion), but I don’t know why she doesn’t just put it out there and be done with it. Sure, it’s embarrassing, but welcome to your new arena. The public loves an honest Housewife. Bethenny made a tequila empire off crying about her childhood.
5. Stephanie: Dark-sided! Stephanie Hollman is soooo dark-sided and I have taken it upon myself to be the Paul Revere who announces it to the world so when it inevitably comes to pass, you can all thank me (that said, the public is still in Vanderpump’s thrall eight years later so maybe I’m closer to the Cassandra). There’s a blithe evil to “okay, she has flesh-eating disease. I don’t care 🙄” that I candidly kind of admire, but I am and always will be #TeamMidway so I’m champing at the bit for Steph to get some kind of comeuppance. My hope is that it happens at the reunion, where even the most well-insulated Housewives are vulnerable. Brandi and Cary will present more tantalizing targets but aim for the head of the beast, LeeAnne! Use your ring toss skills and aim for the head!
4. Brandi: The rankings were impossible this week because everyone was performing at 100%, so where the ‘Wives landed largely came down to personal preference. That should in no way diminish Brandi’s star performance this episode as she hosted the best white party since Taylor Armstrong did a lap around the block in her limo and then went home. First of all: true stroke of Housewives genius to prepare an extra room to have your party-defining confrontation in. When Brandi said that the energy was getting too chaotic and they needed to abscond to the second, smaller white party in the basement to hash things out, it felt like a revelation. This is what we in the industry call “disruption.”
Secondly: let’s be real, there was absolutely no reason to put Cary on blast with that nanny reveal. She’s had that bullet loaded for a while, saw the end of the season nearing, and got an itchy trigger finger. Cary’s throwaway remark in Mexico in no way justified such a brutal retaliation and I’ve got to think Brandi’s move here crippled what had been one of the healthier Dallas friendships. That said? Thank God she did it. Brandi dragged Cary over broken glass (helpfully furnished by LeeAnne) and it made the whole episode. I’ve said it before but Brandi’s gut need for constant, messy drama and the attention it provides has been the engine for season two of Dallas, which I’m now comfortable calling one of the best American seasons I’ve ever watched. I will forever be in her debt.
3. Kameron: Exalting Kameron Westcott is a lot like propping up Warhol before he was famous. “It’s just a can of soup,” the haters say, and I reply, “no, dipshit, it’s Art.” The dog named Louis Vuitton in a Von Dutch doggie outfit (!!!). Giving Brandi batteries for her dildo in a gesture both passive-aggressive and nonsensical. The entire, agonizing conversation with the dog food professionals who could not maintain eye contact. The two scene arc of her wondering about the plastic cups, then realizing. Kameron is fully committed to reenacting a bad straight-to-DVD knockoff of Legally Blonde you found in the cheapo bin at your local bodega and I’m here. Goddamn it, I’m here.
2. D’Andra: Any other week, any other episode, D’Andra would be number one. This was a week of triumph for the low-key protagonist of RHOD. She finally won over the Mom of Dallas, Dee Simmons, whose pitch black eyeshadow game was by the way at its absolute peak, invoking black holes, dark matter, and other mysteries of the universe. She mended fences with her stepson, showing herself as one of the rare Housewives capable of humility. And, of course:
Disruption! But sadly, as warm and fuzzy as this episode was for D’Andra… this wasn’t a warm and fuzzy episode. Let’s give the crown to someone more appropriate.
1. LeeAnne: This episode showcased LeeAnne in her element. She abandoned the telegenic charm of season two and returned to her season one roots: a scrappy, territorial martyr with a chip on her shoulder and an endless arsenal of projectile tableware.
It was perhaps her illness that brought her to this point, though she was practically edging to reveal her Cary intel to Brandi, so more likely this was something that had been simmering since Mexico. She also got a real charge out of dragging herself from her deathbed (read: minor malady remediable with ointment) and showing up to the white party armed with tales of her suffering (image: LeeAnne arrives at the party). And then, of course, the final showdown. Flanked by her handmaiden Tiffany, LeeAnne cut the bullshit and went in for Cary Deuber’s throat. LeeAnne is a remarkably beautiful woman who always seems to find the worst lighting right when she’s at her eeriest and most threatening. When she spilled Cary’s blood, she looked like a revenant. Entrancing.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Dallas: Dee mechanizes the entire workforce of Ultimate Living, with hellish, dystopian results.