The Essential Kim Zolciak

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Five episodes to watch while your assistant Photoshops a thigh gap onto a picture of your child.

Welcome back to The Essential…, where I propose five episodes that embody the perfect madness of one special Housewife. Today, we place a take-out order for the human Chick-fil-A sandwich known as Kimberleigh “Kim” Zolciak-Biermann.

S01E05: “Out of Tune”
Kim gets disowned by her music producer. Kim sits behind the wheel of her convertible with a cigarette and a full glass of white wine. Kim has never heard of guacamole. Kim spells cat with a K. A veritable buffet of tics and quirks, tied together by the enduring melody of Kim’s aborted first single, “Tightrope.”

S02E08: “Scrambled Egos”
If you must watch a Kim episode, let it be this one: a top-to-bottom examination of everything that makes Kim Zolciak an unbearable nightmare. In the front half, Kim chucks on an absurd pink milkmaid dress and puts Kandi through a torturous, eons-long recording sesh for “Tardy for the Party.” In the back half, Kim takes a tumble at the reveal party for NeNe’s alter egos photoshoot, forcing the entire event to move out to the driveway while she sits on the ground moaning and clawing at her bloody shins. She finds time during all this to cut NeNe out of their planned duet on “Tardy.” This is Kim at her laziest, most entitled, most duplicitous and self-serving.

S02E14: “Reunion Special: Part 1”
The Atlanta season two reunion is unusually zen, taking place in the middle of a peace treaty between all the women. As a result, most of the time is devoted to Andy Cohen’s languid questioning of Kim’s many contradictions and inconsistencies. The reunion is always a prime venue for Kim to mumble her way through a bunch of obvious lies. In one highlight, Kim spends a long segment asserting that she’s finally seen the light and ended her relationship with Big Poppa, only to be thwarted when he shows up at the next commercial break and kisses her, forcing her to walk back her entire story.

S03E14: “Flamingo Road Block”
Kim goes on tour with Kandi. This is yet another illustration of Kim’s self-absorption and terrible work ethic, but is probably most useful as the episode that most explicitly dives into Kim’s racial ignorance and the politics around her role as the only white women on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. “Flamingo Road Block” also features one of the many instances of NeNe almost physically ending Kim with her bare hands.

S05E05: “No Excuse for Excuses”
By the end of Kim’s time on the series, she couldn’t have been more checked out. She had a new husband, a new baby every ten seconds. She was bored and tired. In her final scene as a Housewife, the other women, fed up with her putting zero effort into the show, called an intervention to ream her for her laziness. Kim stormed out of the lunch and off to her spinoff, never to appear on the main series again until her cameo in the finale of season nine.

 

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

S01E02: “It’s My Party!”
Kim throws Brielle a birthday party; is a horror.

S01E08: “Reunion Special”
Kim pioneers the cancer lie seven years early.

S02E02: “Kim-Tervention”
Shereé gently shifts Kim’s wig.

S03E13: “Tour-ture”
In case you want the extended cut of Kim ruining Kandi’s tour, like how you might watch both parts of Nymphomaniac at once.

3 thoughts on “The Essential Kim Zolciak

  1. great picks, although I think “Kim spells cat with a K” really doesn’t do justice to that moment. i think it’s my favorite thing she’s ever done? i generally have a pretty high threshold when it comes to tolerating moral depravity on reality tv, but for some reason I just can’t stand Kim Zolciak. that being said, Don’t Be Tardy is the only Housewives spin-off I’ve ever considered watching.

    1. i’ve never watched a housewives spin-off before (i already watch so much of this shit that it feels smart to set healthy boundaries, e.g. i will be dead in my *fucking casket* before i watch vanderpump rules). i do think kim is better equipped than bethenny or caroline or kandi to carry the kind of spin-off that would interest me, but i don’t know if i could hack a show where kim is the centre of the universe. kim works on atlanta because she’s constantly getting checked by the other women for her ridiculous antics and terrible opinions. i’m sure the edit on ‘don’t be tardy’ mocks her often enough (how could it not?) but i doubt it holds her as accountable as i’d like. honestly i think pretty much every housewife works better in an ensemble.

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