The (New) Real Housewives of Melbourne

While we continue to wait impatiently for imminent Melbourne S4 news (I see you out there IG-storying from your publicity shoots ladies!!), enjoy this quick fact sheet about the season’s two newbies, Sally and Venus, accompanied of course by glamorous pix thieved from social media.

Sally Bloomfield


  1. Sally is a former magazine editor. For Harper’s Bazaar Australia—it’s no Elle Accessories, sure, but I do think we can assume that she’s literate, which could lead to conflict with Lydia who um is not.
  2. Sally is a widow. Dead husband, worked in the press…hopefully she’s more Old Carole and less New Carole.
  3. Sally has been living in Bali. You can see that I’m already stretching because girlfriend’s background really doesn’t seem that interesting ugh she’d better not be Susie 2.0. But hey, Bali would work great as a Housewives vacation destination; who doesn’t enjoy some light-hearted Gina racism?

But let’s move on from Nueva Chyka over here and get to the real main attraction:

Venus Behbahani-Clark


  1. I’m sorry, *Lady Venus Behbahani-Clark. You see, she is a distant relation of the ancient Princely House of Thurn and Taokay just kidding she and her husband bought fake titles in Scotland.
  2. Does she have an obligatory contrived Daily Mail photo shoot? Of course she does, sweetie. This genre is truly the acme of all art forms, yes? (Oh, and you should probably slap a [citation needed] on “33-year-old,” editors.)
  3. Venus and Gamble already have Instagram beef. Lol.
  4. But that isn’t her only rivalry. She has been embroiled in a long-running feud with her former sister-in-law Neptoon Rodwal. Yes, *Venus* and *Neptoon* I know. Said rivalry has involved everything from “bruising and scratches” to the supposed childhood nickname “Venus the Penis.”

So which of our new ladies are you more excited for? Since you’re reading this site I already know the answer, but feel free to sound off anyway.

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