For the past eight weeks, The Real Housewives of Dallas has been a fucking mess. This week, it’s a floating fucking mess.
In episode nine, D’Andra organizes an immunity challenge, the dildo saga inexplicably continues, Brandi and Cary turn on each other, and we set sail for the worst non-Auckland boat ride ever. Who needs to get chucked overboard?
6. Stephanie: Mean Girl Stephanie was out in full force this episode, although the effect was balanced by the sight of a violently ill Steph crawling across the deck of a careening boat. I’m a firm believer in the reality television definition of karma: bad things happening to people I don’t like.
5. D’Andra: D’Andra’s carved out a nice peacemaker role for herself. That’s cute, but I want as little peace amongst these women as possible.
4. Brandi: This ep highlighted the dumb dildo-wielding shit-joke side of Brandi I find so tedious. Her vs. Kameron is one of those Housewives rivalries where I see how it got as acrimonious as it has, because Kameron has been a goon to Brandi for no real reason, but Brandi’s way of picking on her is such high school bullying shit that it makes me feel sympathetic to Kam. Then again, I’m not sure why I object to that over any of the other juvenile ways these chicks act out at each other. I guess charisma sells anything, and Brandi and Steph both just act like nasty children to me.
3. Cary: I usually find Cary’s brand of nervous white lady pearl-clutching a little Dubrow, but every now and then she hits a sweet spot of drunken-panic-cry-screaming that lands just right.
2. LeeAnne: Such a natural pro that I’m running out of praise. Really killed it in the talking heads tonight, between hissing about Mark’s bisexuality while reapplying her makeup and zooming in on Rich’s package on her phone. I’ve always been a huge fan, but she really found her telegenic side in season two. Big props.
1. Kameron: Fuck the haters; Kameron was in amazing form tonight. For comedy, there was the spectacle of her attempting to engage in physical activity; God bless the beautiful mind of D’Andra for birthing “Kameron Westcott does sports day” into being. For drama, there was her spate of “I can’t stand to watch these fake frauds so I’ll just make them fight for no reason” shit-stirring. Peak of the episode was when Brandi got Kameron so fucked up she started talking in her real voice.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Dallas: uh, next week looks like a fucking epic disaster and also possibly the season finale? Like don’t take my word on it but that looked finale-ish. If this season is over, I’m going to light myself on fire. Don’t leave me with Peggy Sulahian! I’m not ready!