This week on RHOD, it’s dildos at high noon. Holster up.
¿Quien está la reina y quien necesita peina? (My Spanish puns aren’t very good; I’m working on it.)
6. Stephanie: I’m absolutely convinced of Stephanie’s malice but I couldn’t justify it with anything concrete. It’s in the way she carries herself, the little sly digs she slips into her talking head camouflaged by peels of laughter. I think she encourages both Brandi and Cary’s worst instincts. I wouldn’t go as far as calling her an LVP, whose tendencies in that direction are both more heavy-handed and elaborate, but there’s shades of it in there if you’re looking hard enough.
5. D’Andra: I waited too long between the episode and this recap and I’m afraid I don’t remember D’Andra’s role in Monday’s proceedings. Whatever it was, I’m sure I was more into it than Stephanie. I’ve mentally replaced the lost footage with the image of Dee ashing a cigarette into D’Andra’s cupped palms.
4. Kameron: On the one hand, yes, freaking out so hard over a dildo is remarkably childish. On the other hand, it so cleanly fits with Brandi’s established pattern of bullying (remember when she left a plastic turd on LeeAnne’s chair?). Waving a dildo in the face of the chick you hate is high school mean girl shit. Kameron was right to be offended by the intent of the gesture, if not the actual object. Also the dildo wasn’t pink.
Sidebar: my friend and I were drunkenly trying out our Kameron impressions at the bar the other night. Highly recced; most fun Housewife to imitate since Dorit.
3. Cary: I think if Cary were a craftier Housewife (Stephanie?), she could have better played off this whole situation re: her shit-talking other people’s surgeons. Her attackers are LeeAnne and Brandi — not credible sources. As it stands, though, I completely believe Cary is sidling up to people and whispering in their ear that their surgeon is about to kill them on the operating table. Also, shame on her for impugning the pecker of the noble Rich Emberlin. I heard your husband gets his dick sucked at The Round-Up, Cary.
1. Brandi: I do not like Brandi Redmond even a little but credit where it’s due: she is the engine powering this amazing season. LeeAnne is the better personality but Brandi might edge her out as season MVP for her broad, messy, playing-all-sides performance as the catalyst for nearly every major argument of the season.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Dallas: We Need to Talk About Mark (Getting His Dick Sucked At The Round-Up; I Know The Boys Who Did It).