Our darling Melbourne Housewives have been on a long hiatus—too long for our tastes, to be honest. Yes, this gave us the trainwreck glory of Sydney, but Toorak’s time surely draws near. Enjoy this refresher post about where we left off, which doubles as a preemptive primer for Season 4 and a polite nudge toward the Aussie powers-that-be to put this ish back on our screens already.
The Season 3/4 boundary has given the biggest shakeup yet in the Melbourne cast. Two ladies are in, three are out, but the core of the cast survives. Let’s start with the casualties, though.
The Late (Sorta) Lamented
Best Known As: the quintessential Switzerland housewife.
Superpower: butch haircuts.
Why She Left: The whole cast respected Chyka (except Lydia, who may or may not have leaked a gay rumor about her neckless husband Bruce), which made her the boring but useful social glue initially bonding the group. The second her contract was up, though, Chyka was happy to fuck off back to her normal, boring life with Bruce and their daughter Chessie, the true hero of the Keebaugh clan.
Best Known As: an entity even more boring than Chyka.
Why She Left: Susie was brought on last season to pursue a long-running vendetta with Lydia. Everyone else in the cast *but* Susie ended up obliterating Lydia instead. Foxtel don’t play that, sis.
Best Known As: a woman in the best shape of her life; who begs to differ?
Superpower: ~the dance~.
Why She Left: She’s still big; it’s the Housewives who got small. More seriously, everyone in the cast fucking hates her guts (can’t imagine why) and likely refused to film with her. She and Gamble appear to have inexplicably become friends now, however, which had better presage a Season 5 return. In the meantime, catch her on Hell’s Kitchen Australia, where she evidently conducted a blistering rivalry with the execrable David Oldfield en route to a second-to-last place finish.
Back in the Fray
Best Known As: cis female drag queen.
Where We Left Her: After a disastrous period where she let her NeNe/Bethenny/Vanderpump status get to her head, Gina settled back into being an amiable shit-talker with a charmingly inept gay assistant. Never fear, though, the evil still surely lurks within.
Best Known As: Earth’s conduit to the angels.
Superpower: uhhhh she’s psychic…?
Where We Left Her: Jackie has mastered the broad comedy inherent to communing with otherworldly spirits and being married to Johnny Deppelganger/musical genius/sexy bitch Ben Gillies. This helpfully disguises her ruthless social savvy—she arguably single-handedly torpedoed Gina and Lydia at the end of Seasons 2 and 3 respectively. I can’t wait to see where she trains her astrally guided firepower next.
Best Known As: alleged smack whore.
Where We Left Her: Janet’s last season was an emotional one, dedicated in turn to re-examining her relationship with her ex and charting her son’s long-term recovery from severe skin burns. Which was all lovely to see, but I hope next season brings us the Janet who cannot keep her fucking mouth shut about incendiary details of other people’s personal lives.
Best Known As: Mrs. Wolfe Pup.
Superpower: envelope tossing.
Where We Left Her: Now happily married, Gamble seems content to treat the drama as more hobby, less career. But having been a loyal Gina cub through a looot of Gina fuckery, Gamble seems (based on social media at least) to have aligned with Jackie and Janet, just as Gina gets closer to Lydia. Will Season 4 give us an epic battle of Good V. Evil? It’d better.
Best Known As: a dumb fat bitch.
Where We Left Her: Literally the final scene of last season featured the entire group sitting around a dinner table raining holy terror down on Lydia for her various social sins. Yet she’s back! I commend the producers for their wisdom; “delusional asshole with a glass jaw” is the ideal Housewife demo.
Now everyone use The Secret to will the Melbourne Season 4 trailer into dropping this week. Even if it doesn’t, though, we’ll follow up soon with a little investigation into the new Housewives, aiming to answer all your burning questions, from “will they suck?” to “does one of them have an absurd planet-themed rivalry with a relative?”