I didn’t get around to last week’s column auditing Lydia McLaughlin’s discomfort at dressing like Charlie Chaplin’s dead body, but that’s okay. Let’s stop living in the past. It’s a new week. A new episode. New faces, like… Gretchen Rossi? Okay, well, she’s old hat, but… Lizzie Rovsek? Hm. Well, I — Jeana Keough? Aaaaah, okay. There‘s the new face.
Who’s poppin’ like liquid nitrogen popcorn and who should we stick a giant fork into ’cause they’re DUN?
7. Peggy: I’m about at the end of my rope with her solo shit. …No, Peggy, not an actual rope. No, there’s no — it’s an expression, Peggy.
6. Lydia: Like Tracey, I don’t quite know what to make of Lydia’s participation in this season, or the constantly shifting sands of her morality. I was one of the few who was excited for her return and resisted judging her in the early days of the season, but sadly it seems like the verdict is in and she kind of sucks so far. Still, she could have at least rekindled her old war with Slade Smiley. When I’m over here hurting for a Slade storyline, you know it’s dire.
5. Shannon: Her interactions with David this week took me to The Bethenny Place and I did not enjoy it.
4. Kelly: Not winning any acting awards for her performance at Vicki’s dinner party as “woman spontaneously retelling gay rumours, unprompted.” It’s interesting to me that Kelly is putting in so much work to build bridges with everyone and still committed herself to that hellish little piece of improv on Vicki’s behalf but hey. No one ever accused Kelly Dodd of being a master strategist.
3. Meghan: This poor fucking woman. She needs to join witness protection and change her name and never speak to anyone in Orange County again. Hilariously, despite her weepy inertia, I think she may have earned her passage to the next season by being the only non-despicable person left.
2. Tamra: That phone call with Vicki felt like Sun and Jin reuniting after three seasons apart on Lost. It will also end with both of them sharing a watery grave.
1. Vicki: This episode was a true exhibition of Vicki’s madness, from front to back.
1) I love that she expected the content of her roast to be ‘she needs the pillows a certain way at night’ rather than ‘fuck you, you cancer lying piece of shit.’
2) I love that she thought highly enough of herself to withstand a roast when the last time someone roasted her, she changed her entire face via surgery.
3) I loved the absurd pageant of her birthday party, whereby she conscripted an army of only the most morally corrupt former Housewives (so desperately thirsty they were willing to pretend to enjoy Vicki Gunvalson to get back on TV) and Tamra’s bloated former gusband to smear Eddie with gay rumours.
4) I love that, against all odds, she seems to be getting away with it. I don’t know if it’s natural equilibrium or Trump’s America or just Tamra’s chickens coming home to roost for mistreating everyone all these years, but it does seem like, improbably, Vicki Gunvalson might come out of this season on top. Don’t cash the cheques yet, though. Tamra Judge is a reunion warrior. She won’t go down without blood.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Orange County: Peggy misunderstands the phrase “hair of the dog” for 15 minutes.