Ester Dee: The People’s Princess

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With the sixth series premiere of The Real Housewives of Cheshire set for tonight, I still haven’t decided whether I’ll be covering it from week to week. It’s a patchy franchise at best, with entire seasons that are skippable. But last year, for the first time ever, Cheshire achieve trued greatness, thanks to one woman. This is the story of a girl named Ester.

Warning: this is a long-ass read with a lot of soap opera twists and turns. I’ll bold the important parts.

Ester Dohnalova, a.k.a. Ester Dee, joined the Real Housewives of Cheshire in its fifth series (they call seasons ‘series’ there; just roll with it). Ester is an absurd gold-digging Czech cartoon character who was obviously shoehorned in by production and has no real link to the other women. As such, she’s snatched up early in the season by the despicable DAWN WARD, who is in the middle of a huge friendship implosion with another HW, Leanne, over a 500k loan that was never repaid. Dawn and Leanne are the Jill and Bethenny of Cheshire, if Jill and Bethenny were both aging glamour models with capped teeth. Dawn is the Jill, objectively the villain and hated by all, so she needs allies and has no time to vet them so Ester will do fine.

So Ester becomes Dawn’s most vocal defender, but that only makes everyone hate Ester AND Dawn more — not only because Ester won’t shut up about how amazing Dawn is even at really inappropriate times, often driving Leanne to tears (in the middle of a group trip to Dubai where the entire cast except Dawn was invited: “I MISS DOAN! WHERE IS DOAN! SHE IS A MOST INSPIRING WOMAN TO ME! I WISH DOAN WAS HERE!” muffled sobs in the distance) but also because Ester is the least likeable woman alive. Literally all she does is lie around all day making rude remarks about people and dressing in sexy outfits (often to match her mother) and living the high life off her baby daddy, Rob. This last part is the most important because everyone can tell the relationship with Rob is shifty but no one is quite sure how.

Also, Ester has a voice like a muppet. Not sure where to slot that in but yeah, think like Eastern European muppet as you’re reading this.

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So the story gets even more opaque and confusing on the Dubai trip because Ester buys this big honking diamond after a Big Poppa-esque phone call with a mystery man who is NOT Rob, but is still for some reason buying Ester expensive gifts. After some prying, she admits the man is married. When asked if she herself is married, Ester says she doesn’t know and gives a whole bunch of confusing non-answers that cloud the whole issue further and after which she is attacked for being an untrustworthy snake.

Finally, two weeks out from the finale, she gives Leanne the whole story:

Ester is NOT cheating on Rob. She is cheating WITH Rob. The man who bought her the ring is her real husband, John. But wait, you ask, I thought you said she had a kid with Rob. She does. Here’s the whole story, beginning to end, step by step:

  1. She meets John, an older man of about 61 whom she likes well enough but is mostly with for his money. They date for five years.
  2. She meets Rob. They carry out a passionate affair. She dates Rob for love and sex, John for the money.
  3. One day, good news! Rob has a big deal coming in, worth millions. Ester is set for life. She chucks John, shacks up with Rob, and has a kid with him.
  4. Then, tragedy: the deal falls through. Ester has Rob’s kid and no money.
  5. So she goes back to John. Pleads with him: I fucked up, but now I’m pregnant with your kid (ed. note: this is a lie). I need you to take care of me and the baby because we’re all alone ;_;. He agrees, takes her back, marries her.
  6. She DOES NOT STOP seeing Rob. But John has no idea.

Oh, and even better, she is engaged to Rob. Yes, even though she is married. The scene ends with her earnestly complaining what a pain in the ass it is to constantly swap out her engagement and wedding rings.

Next episode, Ester’s story comes out in the papers. That’s a real shame, because not only did Ester’s husband not know she was living with Rob, he did not even know she was filming Real Housewives of Cheshire until she called him and begged for the ring in Dubai.

Also surprised? Production. Ester told them that Rob was her husband. The show found out about John the same time John found out about the show.

Predictably, the season ends in a massive trainwreck for Ester. She’s exposed herself as a scammer to every man in her life. All of the other women despise her for being such a scummy con artist that she reflects poorly on them, a cast of Real Housewives. It’s a true botch job and everyone assumes that she’s one-and-done because no one but Dawn will ever speak to her again, including production whom she snowed from the very start.

But, happily, the magnetic radiance of Ester Dee cannot be denied. The bubbly blund wid a yooge bumshell is back. In the off-season, she denounced Rob and reswore her allegiance to her actual husband. So I’m sure she’ll be reformed now, a good girl for the ages, and that the whole situation will not at all resolve itself in a Chicago-style double murder with Ester as Roxie Hart.

Either way, I’ll be tuning in, and hopefully the truest insanity of Ester Dee will once again loft her above the bores of Cheshire into her proper place in the sun.

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