In case you missed this one because the tube TV in your office hasn’t been used since 1997, we’ve got you covered.
We’re four episodes in, a.k.a. “balls deep.” The pieces are starting to move around the board. Who had a rough night and who had a good morning?
6. Cary: Talked about purses! Had an overly elaborate party for her child! In a boon to basics everywhere, Cary fulfills that most fundamental Housewives criterion — “is rich” — and nothing more.
5. Stephanie: Really digging this slow reveal that LeeAnne screaming in her face in season one about her charity world going down the toilet, previously dismissed as the unhinged ravings of a madwoman, may actually have struck a nerve. Best of luck to her climbing the Dallas social ladder and keeping her new house from sinking into the swamp.
4. Brandi: “I won’t let LeeAnne around my kids” like are you kidding? LeeAnne is a great role model for a child. I bet she knows how to scam every midway game at the state fair.
3. D’Andra: The tale of D’Andra and Dee is exquisite in its repetitiveness, just these long exposures of D’Andra bringing ideas to her mother, getting instantly shot down, and seethingly impotently about it, with seemingly no resolution imminent. The story is starting to remind me of the saga of Audrey and Charlie from the Twin Peaks revival. I expect it to end just as conclusively.
2. Kameron: Unlike D’Andra, who seems to retreat further from the group by the episode, Kameron seems to take great joy in conjuring random drama with Brandi out of thin air. That Kam-Kam is upset Brandi gave everyone gifts but her is de rigueur; that she is doubly upset the gifts are pink, her colour, is inspired. As with all Housewives nonsense feuds, the devil is in the details.
1. LeeAnne: “I am here, my friends, to tell you to live your lives openly! We must reduce the stigma against HIV. Having HIV is nothing to be ashamed of — unlike living in a fucking sinkhole house, right, Stephanie? Seriously, what a money pit. Her desperation disgusts me. Let’s work together to find a cure for Stephanie being a piece of shit. Thank you.”
Next week on The Real Housewives of Dallas: Heidi Dillon leaves a flaming bag of dog shit on Stephanie Hollman’s doorstep.