From the opening tinkles of the knowingly melodramatic piano that greeted us at the top of LuAnn’s Watch What Happens one-on-one, we knew exactly what to expect: twenty-one minutes of peak drama that managed to say nothing, and, paradoxically, everything. Here’s five standout moments:
1. Andy’s Star Turn
Andy Cohen had the unenviable task of trying to extract the truth from LuAnn de Lesseps, a woman unusually practiced even among Housewives at appearing to be candid while simultaneously remaining totally rehearsed. Still, he knew the tone to strike — appropriately grave with tongue planted firmly in cheek — and he asked all the right questions, even if twenty minutes didn’t give him quite enough time to pin LuAnn down.
2. Love Game
LuAnn de Lesseps is nothing if not the human equivalent of a staged home, and it came out here in her wardrobe. The tennis dress was a gorgeous touch of the subtle absurd — as though Lu had breezed in for a quick tell-all interview between sets — and the dainty charm necklace clued us in that something was seriously amiss. We’ve never seen LuAnn with fewer than two pounds of plastic around her neck.
3. Carole Didn’t Call
The lone Housewife not to send her condolences in the wake of the D’Agostino Massacre was Carole Radziwill, presumably because LuAnn has been assassinating her character for almost half a decade. Carole, if you’re reading this, it’s not too late to send a text. It would be a beautiful gesture.
4. If You Fall, Make It Part of Your Branding
Andy, like the best among us, is itching for the Countess to return to her true craft: music. Though he pitched a few angles for the single, LuAnn was resolute that it should be titled “If You Fall, Make It Part of the Dance,” presumably so she can sell a few more tote bags and bite into Dorinda’s share of the quip merch pie.
5. Never Count Out the Countess
After inquiring about Lu’s quick conversion back to De Lesseps (“well, I never officially changed my name…”), Andy asked whether this means she’s the Countess again. Rather than give the straightforward answer (“no”), LuAnn took us through the wonderful logic maze transcribed below:
Well, I’m… I’m, um, Luann de Lesseps. And the Countess is always going to be a part of me. Now I have this brand, my bedding collection that’s coming out, and it’s this brand that I own. Like, Queen Latifah, is she really a queen? I mean, right? So it’s, it’s, it’s part of me, and, you know, I was a countess, so it’s a brand that I, that I own, as LuAnn de Lesseps.
You guys, I think LuAnn will be just fine.