RHONY S9 Roundtable, Part 3: ¡Vivan Las Amas de Casa!

In the final installment of our s9 discussion, we reminisce about the Mexico trip as two of us get about us drunk as the ladies were during it. Then, vultures that we are, we assess the chances of survival for each of the Wives going into s10. Who lives, who dies, and who suffers that fate worse than death, demotion? We may not have the answers, but we sure have a lot of words about it all anyway.

Taylor: Okay, let’s go Mejico.                                              

Gerard: So I usually hate reality tv shit where they’re like “we all got along great!!!” but I loved Mexico!         

Taylor: It was so cute!                 

Gerard: There was still fighting—Dorinda gave us some good ish—but overall it was very fun and relatable(!).                        

Taylor: And all of them, like, fondly reminiscing at the reunion…usually when people try to be all “these shows need fun too” I’m like, yeah, can’t wait for Kyle and LVP to have their pre-scripted convo about the fucking Agency, grand times. But Tinsley Mortimer having seven glasses of tequila and pontificating on the differences between Palm Beach and West Palm Beach, that’s my exact speed.     

Tracey: I actually do enjoy drunken trips where the housewives all get along.

Gerard: The thing is, these ladies all have fun personalities, so I don’t mind seeing them just have fun—for a few eps at least.

Tracey: Everyone being just at their hammered peak really helped. Guards were dropped. Bethenny getting naked made me relate to her! And I fucking hate Bethenny half the time.               

Taylor: Oh man, the vicarious thrill of seeing LuAnn go down…that is a Clydesdale of a woman.

Tracey: I assume the entire villa shook when she went down on the concrete.   

Taylor: I have barely ever seen her tipsy, let alone hammered.

Gerard: This simultaneously being LuAnn’s ominous pre-divorce season AND her closest season to being the actual Cool Countess is pretty perfect for me. And yeah, Bethenny was like…actually vulnerable, and not annoying fake Bethenny vulnerable, which I appreciated.       

Taylor: Oh I love when LuAnn dips into Cool Countess because you know she’ll try to exploit it next year, all taking staged drunk pratfalls while she steals Sonja’s man.

Tracey: Well duh, everyone universally across the world loves watching someone take a tumble.       

Gerard: Yeah, Hurricane LuAnn next year for DEFO. She’s gonna be a disaaaster and i’m edging for it. Hope she gets back on whatever the fuck she was on for early s8.

Taylor: And yeah, we got some great dramas: Dorinda v. Bethenny, amazing. Sonja v. Tinsley, amazing. Ramona v. unjust room assignments, always a pleasure. But it never felt nasty, just kind of adorably sloppy.

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Tracey: The FIFTEEN minute room selection scene is such a season highlight for me.

Taylor: Also—and this to me is like the perfect explication of RHONY v. the pretenders—the scene where Carole and Ramona and Tinsley pretend they caught a big fish. Imagine like…Gretchen Rossi handling that material; what an utter void of dead air it would become. But it was cute here I thought!

Gerard: Oh for sure, even the Mexico filler was good, despite it being a trip to SkinnyGirl, as a wise woman noted.

Tracey: To jump up back to a more specific moment, I also DIED at Ramona literally buying Bethenny’s forgiveness at the shops.

Taylor: …but forgetting to buy a bag for Dorinda. Perfect Ramoment.

Tracey: Forcing her gifts on everyone to make them look less odd, then forgetting to get Dorinda anything at all.

Gerard: That’s another great Ramona move: what can I DO for you?! No, my treat!!! And you know her mind was like “well, Dorinda isn’t mad at me…” (Even though she probably still was, teehee.)

Taylor: Oh man, remember Ramona’s face? That is what I don’t get about Ramona, the one bewildering thing: getting a chemical peel the day before a group trip. Rookie fuck-up.

Tracey: I feel like there had to have been some scheduling snafu, a la Vicki’s horror face.

Gerard: Do you know how hard it is to schedule a dermatologist in this city?!

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Taylor: I think Mexico was a nice endpoint, because there was so much bitching early on about it being a quieter season, and I think Mexico sort of put into perspective that this is a GOOD cast even if they’re not at each other’s throats.

Tracey: They really can pull off anything on RHONY.

Gerard: This season was always gonna suffer compared to the perfection of 8, but it held its own as a solid RHONY season.

Taylor: Yeah, in the end I really enjoyed it and will definitely come back to it.  

Tracey: I like that RHONY seasons have different vibes, different energies, but are still all good. I’m never bored by it.

Gerard: You never feel like…oh, this shit again.

Taylor: The coked out mania of 8, the weepy trauma of 7, the rollercoaster that is 3…I always look forward to New York. always. New York has never let me down. BUT it doesn’t matter if I come back; what matters is which of them will come back. Let’s go girl by girl. Just to make this a bit quicker off the top: do either of you think there is a chance in hell either Bethenny or Dorinda will not be back?

Gerard: If Bethenny’s realty show becomes a hit LOLOL yeah never mind she’s returning. And Dorinda is a lock beyond locks, she is beloved by all.

Taylor: Oh God I forgot about Fredrik und Bethenny Do the Manhattan Skyline, hard pass. But yes, they’re both locked in. Bethenny’s on this show til she quits.

Tracey: Yeah, not a chance they will be gone.

Taylor: Okay, so, Ramona. A reliable ringer, but wearing on the audience a bit. What do we think?

Tracey: Back for sure.

Gerard: Yeah Ramona’s back. The audience thinks they hate her but it’s actually love/hate, and she’s clearly in with Andy.

Tracey: She’s worn on the audience many a time but she’s irreplaceable.

Taylor: Yeah I think Andy’s the man with New York. Other series you can kind of get away with not being his pet, but New York is clearly his fave.

Gerard: Andy must LOVE that there’s a long-term housewife as easily twisted around his finger as she is. And if they keep Vicki on the back of her OG status…

Tracey: I also think making nice with Bethenny helped; this isn’t the kind of franchise where they refuse to film and get people fired for being difficult.

Gerard: Bethenny and Ramona know the dance!

Taylor: I also think she’ll be back, but she should keep it cute with her political views if the blinds are to be believed. Season 10 will, as we have endlessly discussed, be a renewal. 1:1 odds.

Gerard: Oh God yes absolutely. We were on schedule for it anyway: 3…7…10….that’s some sort of math, the Fibonacci sequence maybe I don’t know moving on.

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Taylor: Continuing down the list: Sonja Tremont Adams Morgan, the Weeble Wobble of the franchise. Always on the ropes, never falls down.

Gerard: I had a terrible dream last night that she got cut! But I doubt it. She needs the show and they know it, and she gives good reliable drama.

Taylor: She’s has so many fucking DISASTROUS seasons and hasn’t been cut, I don’t know why 9 of all seasons would cost her her spot.

Tracey: I think she’s back. Much as she’s often the weak link in RHONY I think she’s an undeniable force of a character.

Gerard: She’s lowkey an icon with the fanbase, I feel like.

Taylor: Yeah, Sonja is iconic, irreplaceable.

Tracey: I know we talk about Dorinda just giving us so much of a character, every little detail about her, like the wrapping paper hidden under cushions. Sonja is just like that too, only more tragic. I feel like I KNOW Sonja.

Taylor: I’ve said this before, but Sonja Morgan is Meryl Streep’s best piece of character work.

Gerard: Well now I need that biopic.

Taylor: Let’s keep with our theme of OGs. LuAnn Nadeau de Lesseps D’Agostino de Lesseps. A whirlwind season. Undeniably compelling. Fucked with the producers a lot. Do we feel qualified to comment before her special airs next week?

Tracey: Yes, why not.

Gerard: To me, that she got a special at all is a grudging admission from Bravo that they have to bring her back.

Tracey: I think she’s back, she’s been too prolific. People are eating up this divorce and they want more.  

Gerard: There’s a monkey’s paw thing at work here too, where because she didn’t give them the wedding footage she has to give them the post divorce special. And so karma is balanced.  

Taylor: I could honestly go either way on this one. I don’t think she’ll ever truly be gone for good, but I can see them giving her a Friend Of punishment year a la season 6.            

Gerard: See, I thought Friend Of after the initial People fiasco, but this is just too juicy.

Taylor: Andy clearly loves her. I think what’s filling me with the most doubt is that I don’t know what her story is next season.

Tracey: I do kind of love her outplaying Bravo. She was a for sure cut before this divorce, what with the wedding photo clusterfuck.                        

Gerard: Yeah, a very risky play. I admire it.                        

Taylor: People said Jules would get through because of her divorce and she didn’t, although Jules is obviously no LuAnn. I‘m on the fence on this one. LuAnn lover and optimist that I am, I’ll say she gets lucky, but I gotta think she’s on notice.

Tracey: LuAnn is a tour de force on top of this divorce, which definitely works in her favour.          

Taylor: I think public sympathy probably works for her here: you saw those bar boys on WWHL with her LuAnn hashtag shirts. America loves Lu.                        

Gerard: Yeah she played this one too well. They’ll give her a new season, but she’ll be on probation, which is promising for insanity.

Taylor: Put me down as a tentative yes here, but I’m holding my breath.                        

Tracey: I could see a further extension of her humiliating edit as punishment too.

Taylor: She can take it, she’s a champ.   

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Taylor: Carole Radziwill: generally well-liked, friend of Andy Cohen, friend of the show. Possibly newly single? Hasn’t had a story in at least three years. I‘m calling time on Carole.        

Gerard: It’s difficult to tell because she keeps her cards so close to her vest, and she’s backed up by the two most powerful forces on the show in Andy and Bethenny.

Tracey: My hope is that Carole moves on. My gut says Bethenny convinces her to stay.

Gerard: Yeah, that’s where I’m at.                        

Taylor: I think it’s the Eileen exit that’s convincing me she’s gone.                        

Gerard: I think she knows she’s over it and would be more than happy to descend to Friend Of.            

Taylor: Oh see I could do Carole as Friend Of. Somehow I hadn’t considered it but that’s a nice fit for her. I like her presence, but she doesn’t need storylines, and it leaves the door open for her.

Tracey: Friend Of would be a great place for Carole.

Gerard: Yeah, it could be the compromise everyone needs, and it just came to me too to be honest.

Taylor: Good work, Ger.                        

Gerard: Thanks, I’m sure Bravo is listening.

Taylor: And last but never least, Tinsley Mortimer. Can she beat the new girl curse?

Gerard: SO all season I was like…yeah right. But now I’m vibing YES?

Taylor: I have a $15 dollar bottle of wine riding with my friend Gena that says no.

Gerard: It’s 55/45 for sure, but I don’t know…she’s given a good amount for a first season housewife, and seems fairly well-liked.

Tracey: I’m going to say yes, but I wouldn’t bet anything on it.                        

Taylor: The main reason I disagree is that Scott lives in Chicago.            

Gerard: She said they were gonna live together in NYC!                        

Taylor: Of course she said that on tv! They won’t, though. She barely lives there as it is. Yeah, Sonja’s townhouse and a hotel room, you’re for sure a New York resident.

Gerard: Not gonna lie, I was reading reunion tea leaves. Con: the others were like “wait, WHERE are you living together?” like they don’t assume she’ll be in NYC. Pro: Andy made reference to it being Tinsley’s first season. I know this is all meaningless but whatever.

Taylor: Okay but you realize you’ve both kept everyone.                        

Gerard: I dumped Carole to Friend Of!                       

Taylor: Which isn’t unheard of. From 1 to 2 they kept everyone and added Kelly, from 2 to 3 they kept everyone and added Sonja. But that was a different era.

Gerard: How about this as my OFFICIAL GERARD PREDICTION: if Carole goes they keep Tinsley, if not they don’t. I don’t think they have the appetite this late in the game to add two newbies, unless someone explosive comes along.

Tracey: It’s funny because a lot of people were calling for a huge cast shakeup during the early season but now I can’t see too many changes!

Taylor: Yeah, I thought cast shakeup early on but the public opinion on the season sort of reversed.

Gerard: People seem skeptical of every new Housewives season at the beginning, don’t they?

Taylor: My official prediction is: Sonja, Bethenny, Ramona, Dorinda all stay. Carole and Tinsley go. LuAnn is a maybe but I think she’ll con her way into staying. And then they bring in one or two newbies.                        

Gerard: I suppose they could dip to six. Oh, and there was all that scuttlebutt about adding *gasp* a Black woman, which…Bethenny was all about adding a Black or Asian or Jewish woman, yet she was a nightmare troll to Jules about being Asian and Jewish BUT DON’T MIND ME.

Tracey: LuAnn is Native American, the cast is diverse enough.    

Gerard: And if/when they actually bring a Black housewife on, dear God watch out. Most of those ladies will get caught in a scandal of some sort.

Taylor: Yeah these are some dumb white chicks to be sure.                        

Gerard: Can you imagine the antiquated terms Ramona, Sonja, and Lu have stocked up? (Trump voters Ramona, Sonja, and Lu.)                        

Tracey: Flashbacks to Morocco.

Taylor: Bethenny’s head-wagging and finger-waving asides.                        

Tracey: Sonja guarding her purse.                       

Taylor: Taking a Xanax to calm down in advance.                        

Gerard: Literally only Dorinda and Carole would be safe.

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Taylor: Final order of business: there’s been a recent taste for bringing back old talent: (Shereé, Lydia, etc.). Do they bring back a veteran wife? I‘m saying no. The only realistic options here are Jill (fan demand) and Heather (seems to be the only one who’s still connected to the cast) and neither of those scans as likely to me.       

Gerard: I wish they could summon Alex back from Australia or Kelly back from the Andromeda galaxy but I doubt it. Bethenny will veto Jill forever. Heather is the only one I could even remotely imagine and I don’t think she wants to, and they wouldn’t bother anyway.

Tracey: I don’t think RHONY needs to bring back vets; that’s more for franchises in need of a boost.                        

Gerard: If the season had really tanked (as Jill “predicted”) then Jill could return…but…  

Taylor: Another lonely night spent stroking an elderly Ginger around the POP tables for Jill Zarin. Alright, so that’s a wrap on our inaugural Real Housewives of New York round-cauldron! I have been steadily drinking throughout so candidly I am bombed but I very much enjoyed myself. Tracey, Gerard, any final thoughts?

Gerard: I too am bombed, the end.                         

Tracey: I’m sober…                   

Gerard: Even though you’re in Mexico, where you’re allowed to drink at breakfast? Wow.

Tracey: Sorry, I don’t have the liver of a RHONY housewife.

~~~

Thoughts? Comments? Hate mail? Hit us with it. And stayed tuned for this Wednesday’s Passion of the LuAnn, as well RHONY casting updates. We’re eagerly scouring the news already, or at least Google Now is doing it for us.

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