My boyfriend Adam is currently watching through The Real Housewives of New York City for the first time (he loves Sonja; I’m so proud) and every now and then, I’ll watch an episode or two alongside him. On Monday, we happened to watch the episode of season six where Kristen and Josh do a Spartan race together. This is an episode that, by sheer happenstance, I’ve seen like half a dozen times, even though I hate both Spartan races and Josh Taekman. Later that night, on The Real Housewives of Orange County, I watched Lydia and Tamra complete a Spartan race. Bring me a bottle of water to wash off the blood, guys. I’m Spartaned out.
Who made me want to drown myself in a pit of mud this week?
7. Meghan: Is anyone looking after the candle store? I’m worried.
6. Lydia: Did not self-immolate, although that could have been an interesting springboard into a spin-off about her prophet son. I’m thinking “Child Medium” as the title but we can workshop that.
5. Tamra: Gonna need more from her than hassling Peggy about her RBF. The Peggy takedown material is so ample. Old Tamra would have brought in some random interior decorator to spill the beans about Peggy’s fake marriage while she nodded along thoughtfully and feigned surprise. Step up your game, Judge.
4. Kelly: That shot of her free-pouring whiskey into her mouth gave me PTSD flashbacks to that hungover morning in North Vancouver when I had to lay down in the shower and make a snorkel from my hand so I wouldn’t drown.
3. Vicki: Lest you were fooled about her religious leanings by that shot of her wandering into the store dressed like Taissa Farmiga in American Horror Story: Coven, Vicki is quick to clarify that she does not believe in the snake oil of aura machines and reserves her worship for phenomena rooted in fact and science, such as Jesus.
2. Shannon: Remains vigilant about the world’s two great scams: fake cancer and exercise.
1. Peggy: I agree with Tracey that Peggy stepped up her game this episode, if only via involvement rather than excellence. I appreciated that she spent her one-on-ones with Shannon and Tamra being evasive and a brittle phony, respectively. Peggy is clearly going to be the human Substitute doll for these women to channel the abuse and trauma they won’t stoop to venting upon Vicki, which feels like the right role for her. Not the ideal way to spend what will inevitably be her only season on the show, but hey. Be what is necessary for the moment.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Orange County: Shannon halfheartedly taps a punching bag while David watches on, eating an entire pie.