It’s all over but the crying (by LuAnn, about Missy Tool, next week (yes, Tool)). Check out our final reunion standings over a shot of 200 proof tequila:
7. Ramona (-3)
I *love* Ramona but oops this was a Hindenburg-level experience. I don’t even think Bethenny’s that good at arguing but it’s hard to wave away iconic soundbites like “You’re in the press now being naked…” or “I don’t not not like you.” Anyway it all worked out in the end once Ramona gave a blanket Rapology for the entirety of the season, God bless us every one. (It also gave us that rarest and most special of unicorns: an Alex McCord flashback. Much appreciated!)
6. Sonja (+1)
Once again ravaged for her truly nightmarish treatment of Tinsley (which is so unfair after Tinsley begged to live in the safety of Mama Sonje’s arms), Sonja recovered somewhat through a combo of sitting next to Ramona and reminiscing over her winsom attempts to force her tongue down her castmates’ throats. Finding out that Sonja’s allergy to Harry Dubin’s sperm was, in fact, a reaction to spermicide was a nice Easter egg.
5. Carole (+1)
Was Carole even at this reunion? The evidence is inconclusive. Her best moment was the flashback to her famous “buttfucking” confessional re: Sonja’s plundered booty, serving only as a reminder that Carole used to be way more fun.
4. LuAnn (+1)
LuAnn was in her damn GLORY by the end of this one. With all eyes off her, she got to deliver her patented condescending lectures about graceful public behavior, while still seguing effortlessly into a segment about getting hammered and falling down all the time (daily reminder:
I’m confident that this means she has skated past the Tom issue forevermore~
3. Tinsley (-1)
Poor Tinsley. Whether it’s Dale, Topper, Sonja, or Tito, she’s always let someone cow her into submission. Not this time! This time Tinsley (er with the help of five other women) finally stood up for herself and said her piece to Sonja. Good on her! Sadly, I think we all know this newfound feisty independence won’t last, and that Tinsley will forever be pursued by a tiny inset of Sonja shouting at her:
2. Dorinda (+1)
In direct contrast to Ramona, Dorinda got to laugh away her various freakouts, charmer that she is. Who hasn’t, after all, cut themselves on a steak knife they’ve been deploying in service of menacing gangster-style threats? That said, I choose to believe that Dorinda apologized to Bethenny chiefly so she could start their eventual, inevitable war on her own terms, because shit like this is too good to remain unexplored:
1. Bethenny (NC)
You win this round, Frankel, but I’m still never watching your damn realty show. I’d also add that Bethenny was lucky both in this reunion specifically and in the season generally that her main adversary was a messy-even-by-her-standards Ramona, because the juiciness of the conflict hid the ongoing devolution of Bethenny’s already overrated “wit.” Calling the Thank You/Fuck You Party a “Thuck You Party” isn’t funny!!!!!!!!
Coming soon: Taylor, Tracey, and I conduct a roundtable on RHONY S9, a collection of starpower not witnessed since the glory days Sonja’s Caburlesque.