It’s birthday season at The Bitchy Witches! Tracey and I both turn 28 this week (if your browser ever crashes looking at this site, that’s the strong Virgo energy). I can think of no better celebration than to look back on great Real Housewives birthday disasters in history. Tuck into a slice of cake and enjoy. Just a small piece for you, Gigi. You have your modelling to think of.
Christina Kiesel, The Real Housewives of Vancouver
Since Tracey and I both proudly hail from beautiful Surrey, BC (Car Theft Capital of the World, 2004), what better way to start this list than to celebrate the birth of a true Surrey queen? The saga of Christina Kiesel’s “30th” birthday is a true distillation of the anxiety hellscape that was RHOV. Christina spends the first half of the episode ghosting three different lunch dates/falling so far off the radar that even production can’t get in touch with her. After much fanfare, she finally deigns to appear at her own party, where she’s given a spread of Gifts of the Passive-Aggressive Magi, including a “gold digger” t-shirt and a listing of Fortune 500 CEOs. In spite of it all, she’s able to cut loose and have a good time! …Resulting in drunken party videos that Jody Claman will use to emotionally blackmail her next episode.
Lizzie Rovsek, The Real Housewives of Orange County
Any Surrey kid worth their salt can tell you there’s nothing sadder than an empty party bus. Such was the misfortune of one-and-done OCer Lizzie Rovsek, who threw a birthday party where no one came. In an act of charity that might save them from Hell, Vicki and Brooks did eventually show up, but the damage was done. The party was a flop, and then Lizzie got canned, and now she’s probably dead.
Dorinda Medley, The Real Housewives of New York City
Was it actually Dorinda’s birthday during RHONY season eight’s infamous Berkshires bloodbath? No one can seem to agree. But goddamn it, Diane Cinkala made a cake, or bought a cake at the store and frosted it, or something, so we’re going to celebrate. LuAnn’s disrespect of the cake was the flashpoint for Dorinda’s iconic “I made it nice” meltdown. Happy birthday to all of us.
Roxy Earle, The Real Housewives of Toronto
No one remembers what actually happened at Roxy’s surprise party. As with everything on RHOT, this is really all about the wonderfully deluded Kara Alloway, the only Toronto Housewife worth a bucket of warm piss (okay, Ann was good too).
A bit of background: Roxy’s actual birthday had already occurred to coincide with another party Kara threw, where she did not acknowledge Roxy’s birthday to spite her. At this party, the other Housewives made the mistake of drinking alcohol and having fun, enraging Kara who was banking on a night of stilted conversation about Jesus. Seeking vengeance, she dragged the hungover ‘Wives onto a water banana in a deliberate attempt to make them honk everywhere. This backfired when Kara herself broke a rib.
All this to say that Kara sadly could not attend Roxy’s surprise party in person, but was kind enough to provide an attention-stealing video message of her hamming it up in a sling, mewling birthday greetings as she winced and moaned like she was on her deathbed.
Pettifleur Berenger, The Real Housewives of Melbourne
There are truly no words to describe Pettifleur’s 50th birthday party, an epic Dumpster fire you must experience to believe. I could dine out for days on Pettifleur abusing Chyka’s underlings over the exact shape and texture of fake tree in her foyer to convey her theme of “Winter Wonderland.” I could sit and watch forever the footage of Pettifleur holding her guests hostage as she performed an erotic rumba to the song she was named after, followed immediately by a recital of her son performing the same song, just the most apt and wonderful tribute to her own glorious narcissism. And then, appropriate worship having been paid, we segue into the post-dinner entertainment of Gamble reaming Manuela and Jackie sprinting through the apartment to confront Gina Liano on behalf of the angels. The perfect way to start your second half-century of life.
Kandi Burruss, The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Thank God for the late great Phaedra Parks, Hotlanta’s favourite shady lawyer, and the never-ending queue of Better Call Saul-esque scumbags she represents. It’s handy at parties to have an endless store of porn stars, criminals and degenerates to draw upon. Hence her gift to then-BFF Kandi: the infamous Ridickulous, the stripper who can suck his own dick. Just what every low-key birthday gathering needs.