It’s been a bleak little season 12 for The Real Housewives of Orange County. People are calling for a cast shake-up. I say we just ease everyone off their meds and see what happens. In any case, if things don’t get better soon, something needs to change. What is your solution, and why is it “bring back Lynne Curtin”? Ponder while you read on.
7. Kelly: Aging parent stuff depresses the shit out of me, even when it’s as benign as Kelly’s. She needs to find a proper hustle this season because I keep forgetting she’s on the show. She should *spins wheel* throw a glass at *rolls dice* Lydia.
6. Meghan: I watched this episode less than 48 hours ago and my hand to God, I remember nothing Meghan said or did.
5. Lydia: I understand there can be a vicarious thrill to spectating on these women’s wealth, but sometimes observing the Housewives and their wretched excess, even the ones I like, makes me think it’s time to reinstate the guillotine. No one needs two new cars, Lydia. Donate one of those vehicles to someone in need, like Shereé or Dorit.
4. Tamra: Consider this a warning shot, because I have endless respect for Tamra and her Housewives portfolio. But her USP has always been her willingness to mix it up with anyone in her way, however petty and inconsequential the feud, and her chronic avoidance of Vicki, understandable as it may be, is bringing the season down. I’m heartened by the flickerings of imminent bullshit with Peggy, though. Tamra might not be willing to dirty herself with Vicki but the OC is littered with the corpses of nobodies who made the tactical error of trifling with Tamra Judge.
3. Peggy: “I just didn’t want to open up a worm! 🤓” Peggy’s children: “😒.” The viewing public: “😒.”
I hadn’t thought about it, but it’s valid to wonder, per Tamra, why a woman who’s so vocal about her mastectomy and her family history of cancer would so doggedly go to bat for the world’s most famous cancer scammer. I don’t know how Vicki keeps finding new dupes this late in the game; these rookie Housewives need to hit Google. In any case, it looks like the issue of Peggy’s mastectomy and whether it was even necessary will be a subject of conversation next episode, in keeping with the running theme of Peggy’s entire existence slowly being revealed as a fabric of misrepresentations and outright lies. In light of this, I am formally starting The Peggy Sulahian Lien Countdown. Get your bets in for the exact date it’s revealed the money is fake! Can she make it to the reunion?
2. Vicki: Poking holes in Michael’s condoms as we speak.
1. Shannon: In this dark era of limited Housewife interaction, all we have to go on is the solo footage, and that is a battle Shannon Beador will always win (take a moment to contemplate how few American Housewives can carry their solo footage, btw; it’s truly shocking. I think NYC is the only franchise where an outright majority can sell their solo stuff). In Monday’s episode, Shannon decided that the perfect project for a woman with food trauma, a failing marriage and blackout anxiety was a restaurant! This was tidily underscored by every ancillary Beador from David down to the kids teeing off on how much they hate Shannon’s cooking. I look forward to season 13, when Shannon’s treacherous mother-in-law slips an ant farm into the kitchen during a health inspector visit.
Next week on The Real Housewives of Orange County: Lydia lures Tamra and Vicki into a supply closet and jams a broom in the door handle.