Dallas builds on its strong debut with this second instalment, which centrepieces a dog costume contest and the drama that ensues. Oh, to be bored with money. Throw on your hot dog outfit and let’s get to work.
6. Brandi: Still wallowing in misery and doing a damn fine job of it, but other people were better this week.
5. Cary: I’ll skim right over Cary’s insistence that her husband is not gay, he is EUROPEAN, from SWITZERLAND, and they have LOTS of heterosexual intercourse!!!!!! because that can wait until a male escort comes forward with Snapchat screengrabs of Mark’s dong between seasons.
Instead, I’ll litigate her role in this Stephanie/Brandi/LeeAnne texting drama (this is a very efficient scandal, btw, which implicates four core cast members in a single text; well done, Stephanie). I can’t tell if the conversation we flashed back to this episode between Cary and Stephanie is meant to be the one that spurred the text. If it is… Cary’s statement was very well-constructed to make it appear as though she was giving LeeAnne the benefit of the doubt while also communicating that LeeAnne was probably up to something. If it was a scam, it was a good subtle one, and she’s earned her tears and denials here. Still don’t like her though.
4. Kameron: Low-key week for Kameron, but at least she learned a bit of Spanish.
3. Stephanie: Big love for bringing into my life this absurd realtor for the rich and famous with the exact voice and affect of Athena X Levendi. A breed of insanity of which I will never tire. Also good luck flipping your mansion with a fucking pool in the living room, a decorating touch that Teresa and Joe Giudice would observe and be like “that’s a liiiittle nouveau riche for us best of luck though.” Can’t wait for the child drowning storyline later this year.
2. D’Andra: Okay, so Ultimate Living is just a big scam right*? Between the implications that it helped Dee recover from cancer and the clips I’ve seen elsewhere of D’Andra enthusing that it cured her endometriosis, I’m convinced that they just make up whatever the fuck they want to hustle their pills and goo into the hands of bored housewives. They can’t possibly have trials to back this up. Anyway, solid work as always. Primed for more intrigue around D’Andra and her cosmetics line, the hilariously named “Rough Night, Good Morning.” Way to know your demo.
*Allegedly allegedly allegedly, just in case any lawyers are reading this.
1. LeeAnne: Everyone’s favourite carnie back on top where she belongs. Blessed that we so quickly got an answer to one of the great non-sequiturs in RH trailer history, LeeAnne’s hot dog costume, and that the answer was of course “seeking cheap attention.” LeeAnne’s great motivators have always been her insane possessiveness of her friends and her deep fear of abandonment. It is a miracle to God that she managed to court Brandi as an ally during her rift with Stephanie, and now that it looks like Brandi is going to wander back into Steph’s thrall, look for LeeAnne to dive headlong off the deep end with the rest of us lashed to her leg. Next week’s Halloween party looks like an absolute shitshow. Can’t wait.