Welcome to Queen for an Episode, the new feature where I rank the housewives episode-by-episode from least shit given to most. Whoever gets the most points in a season, I’ll shave their name into the side of my head. We’ll kick it off with the finale of New York City, season 9, wherein Dorinda Medley consumed street meat and Sonja Morgan rubbed a $5,000 Bergdorf Goodman gift card against her ass and vagina, proving that the wealthy are truly capable of any amount of humility.
7. Bethenny: I’ve largely enjoyed Bethenny this season, which is a compliment because she generally reminds me of the part of the anxiety attack where you wonder if your father hates you, but hooooly shit her real estate spin-off stuff is such a snooze. No, I don’t care if you end up flipping this giant apartment that I couldn’t buy if I sold my fucking kidneys. Also, lay off Tinsley. Alcoholics like her keep you in Manhattan penthouses.
6. Carole: Truly it has been a Renewal season for Carole Radziwill and I: her jokes have been funnier and generally saved for the deserving, she’s rekindled her friendship with Dorinda which is one of the show’s most cerebral and warm-hearted, and reports are rolling in that she’s maybe dumped that quinoa bowl she was dating for a couple years there. Win win win! Still, she was as superfluous as ever (she’s had, what, two fights in five years, which is verging on Cynthia Bailey territory) and that carried through to this finale. Not a terrible ep, though, and I hope she paid a royalty to whatever Zazzle account she got that “I Miss Barack” sweater from.
5. Dorinda: Candidly I remember nothing about Dorinda’s segments of this episode, other than the blessed reemergence of the glorious stooge JAHN MAHDESSIAN which couldn’t have been better timed because I just ran out of coke.
4. Ramona: And so season nine ends like season eight and season seven and season six, with a cheeky smile and a hair flip and promise that this time, finally, Ramona has seen the light and mended her ways… wiiiiink.* Can’t wait for season ten’s inevitable Tru Renewal. Always a pleasure, MoMo, thanks for calling out Bethenny’s waterbed-fucking shenanigans. See you at the reunion.
*Yes, I’m aware that in a purely literal sense the season ended with Sonja and Ramona yowling over a dance floor like vodka-drenched howler monkeys but I choose to remember the occasion as Ramona herself does, à la this.
3. Tinsley: This season has, on the most literal level, played out like a horrifying psychological thriller for Tinsley Mortimer, from the moment she moved into the crumbling townhouse of an obsessive divorcée who would possess her heart or else watch her burn to the ground. It even ends the way that movie might, with Tinsley finding true love with a non-threatening white dude via a well-meaning friend (Carole, whom Sonja would for sure defenestrate in the film version) and moving away to Chicago forever. On that note, I can’t help but be disappointed that this finale didn’t end with Tinsley drowning a vengeful and violent Sonja in a decommissioned rooftop Jacuzzi, but the fuck you party does well in a pinch, I suppose.
2. Sonja: NYC9 has showcased Sonja at her absolute worst, and Sonja at her worst is obviously Sonja at her best: two joining points of a circle. If this season represented Sonja at her worst, then the thank you party was Sonja at her fuuuuuucking worst because man alive, did she stride in there ready to destroy Tinsley for no fucking reason. I think Sonja is just at a point of impotent sorrow where she needs to sharpen her claws on someone, but there is no one in this cast from LuAnn to Bethenny to Dorinda who couldn’t utterly annihilate her in 10 seconds flat. Tinsley, on the other hand, is new, and is meek, and is Tinsley (and is a near perfect mirror of all of Sonja’s own neuroses implanted into the body of someone younger, prettier and wealthier oops!) so Sonja just goes for it. And it’s fine, and I’m surprised she picked up support from bystanders like Bethenny — yeah, Tinsley drinks, but I bet she doesn’t tell you she works in PR on a loop for six hours — but it’s all very transparent. Anyway, all of this is the very long route to say that Sonja was such an over-the-top asshole to Tinsley about that party and naturally I found it hilarious.
1. LuAnn: So to clarify, LuAnn wasn’t the most interesting thing about this episode, nor was Tom’s off-mic tête-à-tête with Missy the non-countess even that titillating because hello, it’s fucking Tom. Forget turning off his mic; I hope he’s wearing a damn condom. Anyway, LuAnn is number one not only because she’s my documented favourite housewife ever and I’m more concerned about her than I am about paying my rent or taking my insulin, but because the world is concerned about her right now. LuAnn and Tom are the news story of the Western world. They make Charles and Diana look like a shitty episode of Divorce Court that someone accidentally half-taped over with a cooking show. It is in that spirit that LuAnn is my symbolic number one in hopes that it might imbue her with some small strength, even from afar. When that tagline about trading countess for wife came on one last brutal time, I raised my glass to Lu, and you damn well better have done the same.
Next week on The Real Housewives of New York City: Reunion predictions: Dorinda break’s Sonja’s arm.